£ Venisons Select T^lays 



PS 3515 
.P575 
E3 
1918 
Copy 1 



Q)arly35ird 

by 

94iIterJ5enJ(>are 



„,, '^.S.^enison ^Company 
(publishers r Chicago 
j^rice 35 cents 




Plays for Schools and Colleges 

AARON BOGGS. FRESHMAN 

By, Walter. Pen^Kare. ...iJojnqdj;.. Id, 3 g^cl? ;,-§.. male?, 
I'emales. Time, 2% hours. , .'. ^,.^^..^, Price, 25 Cent e 

AFTER THE GAME 

By Lindsay Barbee. Comerl 
females. Tune, l^i liaur?: 

ALL A MISTAKE ~ T 

By W. C. Parker. FarCG-comeuy in „ atis, i male's, 
females. , 'Jjnie, 2 hours. Prlce,.25 Cent.' 

ALL ON ACCOUNT OF POLLY 

By Harry L. Newton. Corr.-eciy In 3 arts; 6 nrale.<; "! 
females. Time, 2».i hours. ' • ■ Price, 25 Cents 

AS A WOMAN THINKETH . ~ 

By Edith F. A. U. P^inton.. Comedy in i aci^,, . 
7 females, lime, 2V'a hours.„ .,. ,. Prici^ 25 v 

AT THE ENP OF THE RAINBOW / 

By Lfndsey Barbee. Comedy In 3 acts'; fi males^ 14 f. 
male.^. Time, 'J'A hours. - \'- ' -PrlCfe,'25"Cent 

CIVIL SERVICE 

-By Walter Ben l-(are. Drama in .3 acts: C males, 

males. Tirne, .2V4 hours. . . Price, 25 Ce.'-.L. 

THE CLASS SHIP 

By Edith P. A. U. Palnton. Commencement 

let; 3 males, 8 females. Time, :^5' minutf-.s. 

- .-- Price, 15 Cc.ii-^ 



CLUBBING A HUSBAND 

By Edith F. A. U. Palnton, Comedy in 3 acts; l 
males. Time, 2 hours. • Price, 2$ C 



A COLLEGE TOWN 

By Walter Ben Hare. Farce-onroeay^ft" 5 acts; 9 ^ 
S females. Time, 214. hours. — Price. 25 i 



THE DEACON ENTANGLED . ..^ 

By Harry Osborne. CoQiedx JSL...? av i.-, -■ m 
males. Time, 2 hours. "^ Price 

THE FIFTEENTH OF JANUARY - 

By Lindsey Barbee. Comedy tn-3 acts: 11 males, ■ 1 

females. Time, 2J,i lunns.,- Price, 25 Cent 



THE GRADUATE'S CHOICE 

By Edith F. A. U. Paintop. Comniencemcut : , 
females. Time, .'^.'i minutes. ' Price, 15 Cents. 

T. S. Denison & Company^ Publishers 

154 West Randolph Street ■ ■ ' CHlCAGf 



AN EARLY BIRD 

A Comedy in Three Acts 



BY 

WALTER Ben Hare 

AUTHOR OF MORE THAN ONE HUNDRED PLAYS INCLUDING 

"Aaron Boggs, Freshman, " "Abbu San of Old Japan, " 
"And Home Came Ted," " Civil Service," "A College 
Town," "A Country Boy Scout," "Deacon Dubbs," 
"A Dream of Queen Esther," "The Fascinators," 
"Kicked Out of College," "Laughing Water," "A Little 
Clodhopper," "Macbeth a la Mode," "Mrs. Tubbs Does 
Her Bit," "Mrs. T'ubbs of Shantytown," "An Old 
Fashioned Mother," " Parlor Matches," "A Poor Mar- 
ried Man," "Rose o' My Heart," "A Rustic Romeo," 
" Savageland," "Sewing for the Heathen," "A Southern 
Cinderella," "The If bite Christmas and Other Merry 
Christmas Plays, " Etc. 




CHICAGO 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY 

Publishers 

C 1 V' 'o 



P5 35(5 

AN EARLY BIRU/^ 573^*3 



' "VrOU see that door ? On the outside it 
-*■ says Pull, but on my side it says Push! 
Get the idea? I had no pull to make my 
way, only push! And it made me a 
millionaire. Understand? Push!" — The 
IFisdom of Cyrus B. Kilbuck. 



RESPECTFULLY DEDICATED TO 

MISS ANNABEL LAWRENCE 

THE AUTHOR OF 

"Ruth" — -a Biblical Drama 
"The Carpenter's Daughter," etc. 



NOTICE 

Production of this play is 
free to amateurs, but the 
sole professional rights are 
reserved by the author, who 
may be addressed in care of 
the Publishers. Moving pic- 
ture rights reserved. 



COPYRIGHT, 1018, BY 
T. S. DENISON & COMPANY. 

©CI.D i^dOTli 

NOV -7 1918 



AN EARLY BIRD 

FOJl SEVEN MEN AND SEVEN WOMEN 



CHARACTERS REPRESENTED. 

Cyrus B. Kilbuck. .President of the P. D. Q. Railroad 

Tony Kilbuck His Son, Just Out of College 

Mr. Barnaby Bird The Boss of Flugg County 

Mr. Mttlberry Chief Attorney for the Road 

Bruce Ferguson A Clerk in the General Offices 

Artie An Office Boy 

Mr. Perry Allen jI Young Gentleman Farmer 

Jessamine Lee The Girl 

Mrs. Van Dyne. .An Agent for the P. D. Q. Railroad 

Imogens McCarty A Stenographer 

Mrs. Beavers From Flagg Corners 

Rosa Bella Beavers. . . .The Belle of Flagg Corners 

Mrs. Pekky Allen Jessainine's Chum 

Dilly Mrs. Beavers' Hired Girl 

Note. — The characters of Artie and Mr. Perry Allen 
may be assumed by tlie same person ; and Imogene and 
Mrs. Beavers, thus reducing the cast to 6 male and 6 
female characters. 

Act I. Private Office of Cyrus B. Kilbuck. A morn- 
ing- in March. The Bird in the Tree. 

Act II. Sitting-room of ]\Irs. Beavers' Boarding 
House, Flagg Corners. A morning in July. The Bird 
in the Busli. 

A-CT III. Same as Act II. Tlie afternoon of the 
same dav. The Bird in the Hand. 



Time of Playing — About Tico Hours and Thirty 
Minutes. 



AN EARLY BIRD 



THE STORY OF THE PLA\\ 

An Early Bird is a modern American comedy built 
along business lines. Its hero, the light-hearted, merry 
college boy, Tony Kilbuck, is being trained in a 
systematic manner by Lis father, the President of the 
P. D. Q. Railroad. The fatlicr thinks this training will 
result in making Tony a wonderful business man, but 
"the best laid plans of mice and men gang aft agley," 
and Tony becomes involved in debt and is expelled from 
college. Tlie fatlier decides that he has been too lenient 
Avith him and decides that in the future he must shift 
for himself. Tony, notliing daunted, decides that he 
will show his father that he can be a success without 
paternal aid and starts out with unlimited nerve and 
a liglit heart to carve his way to fame and fortune and 
the hand of the girl. Jessamine Lee. 

The P. D. Q. Railroad plans an extension across 
Flagg County and there are two routes possible, the 
River Road and the North Road. Both are owned by a 
pompous old flirt, one Barnaby Bird. Tony gets inside 
information that tlie River Road is to be chosen and, 
with the help of the fait^iful Jessamine, buys that road 
from the prudent Mr. Bird, who knows that the exten- 
sion is going in over the North Road. Mr. Bird has ob- 
tained his information from Bruce Ferguson, a clerk 
in the P. D. Q. offices, wlio brings liim the approved 
blue-print plans of the extension over the River Road. 
Poor Tony, seeing these plans, and liaving spent his 
all on tlie River Road, is forced to admit his failui'e as 
a regular business man and goes back to his old job, 
that netted him .$7.50 in four montlis, selling hfe-in- 
surance. 

Mrs. A^an Dyne is the purchasing agent for the Road, 



AN EARLY BIRD 



and Bird, mistaking Jessamine for Mrs. Van Dyne, is 
forced to believe that Bruce Ferguson deceived him and 
that the P. D. Q. is going to buy the River Road and 
not the North Road. In desperation he offers Tony his 
North Road in exchange for the latter's River Road 
and $1,000 to boot. Tlic exchange is effected just in 
time as JMrs. Van Dyne and the President of the Road 
arrive in Flagg Corners to open negotiations for the 
purchase of the North Road, now owned by the effer- 
vescent Tony. Tony sells his property to his father 
for half a million dollars and is a regular business man 
at last. 

Comedy features are introduced throughout the play 
by the coquettish Imogenc, stenographer for the Road, 
a fresh office boy, a country belle. Miss Rosa Bella 
Beavers, and her mother, the landlady of a Flagg Cor- 
ners hotel, and last, but by no means least, Dilly, the 
hired girl, who is corresponding secretary of the Young 
Ladies' Cold Water Society and is shocked beyond meas- 
ure by the falling from grace of the impeccable INIr. 
Bird. 

This comedy is bright, new and strictly up-to-date. 
It contains no objectionable features and is highly rec- 
ommended for college and high-school performances, as 
well as for general amateur production. 



COSTUMES. 

Modern costumes are worn throughout the play. 
Those in Act I should be suitable for jNIarch, those in 
Acts II and III suitable for July. Mr. Bird, Mrs. Beav- 
ers and Rosa Bella should wear somewhat exaggerated 
country clothes. Imogcne and Dilly may dress their 
parts as caricatures of city and country styles. 



AN EARLY BIRD 



LIST OF PROPERTIES. 

Act L 

Elegant office furnishings. 

Neat dark carpet. 

Oil paintings of distinguished-looking men. 

Large desk. On it are papers, blotters, letters, vase, 
picture of Tony in silver frame. Waste basket. 

Desk chair. 

Small typewriter-stand and chair. 

Typewriter. 

Desk and chair. (Standing desk and high stool pre- 
ferred. ) 

Two large leather chairs. 

Coat-rack. 

Screen. 

Water cooler. 

Colored newspaper supplement for Artik. 

Three pieces chewing gum for Artie. 

Two calling cards for Artie. 

Roll of blue-print drawings for Imogene. 

Bunch of pink roses for Jessamine. 

Small satchel for Mrs. Van Dyne. 

Telegram in envelope for Artie. 

Documents (the Greer papers) for Imogene. 

Check book for Kilbuck. 

Check book for Mr. AIulberry. 

Act II. 
Old-fashioned horse-hair furniture. 
Dark carpet. 
Organ or old piano. 
l'^"re])lace (not used), fender. 
.Mantel with ornaments. 
Large round table, fancy cover, ornaments. 



AN EARLY BIRD 



Old-fashioned sofa. 

Rocking chair. 

Arm chair. 

Four parlor chairs. Tidies on all chairs. 

Fancy lamp. 

Small desk with book for register. 

Pail of water, rags, cake polisli for Dilly. 

Parasol and bundles for Rosa. 

Watch for Mrs. Allen. 

Check book for Jessamine. 

Newspaper and check book for Bird. 

Act III. 
Cigar for Perry. 
Coin for Jessamine. 

Two bottles of champagne (quart size) for Bird. 
Basket for Dilly. 



SYNOPSIS 

Act I. The private office of Cyrus B. Kilbuck on a 
morning in ]\Iarch. Cupid gets busy in a railroad office. 
«Iessamine visits the president of the road. "I've got it 
all planned out, by the time my boy is 40, he'll be the 
president of the road!" Barnaby Bird, from Flagg 
Corners, a wise old Bird. The insulted office boy. 
Bad news from college. "Turn on the lights, hang 
out the American flag, kill the fatted calf and let the 
band play — the Prodigal has returned !" "I was in the 
Freshman Class four years and I was just beginning 
to enjoy the place." Father and son. A stormy inter- 
view. "Get out, earn your own living — and make 
good !" Exit Tony. 

Act II. The sitting room in INIrs. Beavers' board- 
inghouse, Flagg Corners. A morning in July. A lazy 



8 AN EARLY BIRD 

boarder. "I'll get him up if I have to tlirow a bucket 
of hot suds through the transom." Rosa Bella Beav- 
ers, the belle of Flagg Corners. "I've been working this 
life-insurance gag for three months now and I've earned 
just $7.50." jMr. and ]\Irs. Perry Allen arrive to meet 
Jessamine. Tony blossoms out as a regular business 
man. Mr. Bird gets inside information concerning 
the P. D. Q. extension. Tony bu3^s the River Road. 
"Ruined, ruined ! Just when I thought I'd coaxed the 
bird into my hand, I find he's farther away than ever. 
Tough luck, old kid, tough luck !" 

Act III. After dinner. "The extension is to be 
built over the North Road. I'm a failure !" Jessamine 
shows her faith in Tony. "I'm going to be a man !" 
Mr. Bird takes a drop too much and is rebuked by 
Dilly, the hired girl and the corresponding secretary 
of the Young Ladies' Cold Water Socict3\ Jessamine 
traps the bird and Tony buys the North Road. Sold 
for half a million dollars. "He's a regular business man 
at last!" 



AN EARLY BIRD 



O /Water Desk 
Cooler 



SCENE PLOT. 



Window 



o 

stool 



Coat Rack l||| 
ScreenVVV 



\ 



Door to Inner Offices 



Desk 
'^Desk Chair 



□ □ 
2 Large Leather 



Door to Outer Offices 
n Chair ^ 

1=^ \ 
Stenographers Desk \ 



Act I, 



/ 



Window 



Dooir to Street 



Small Desk 
Door to Tony's Room 



a □ 
Chairs 



^Chair _^ 

A/Fire- n Arrr, C D 

ZT^aceUchair^^^^ 



Chair a |ZT\ 
OrganY_ 
Door to Dining Room 

T 



Rocking Chair 



Acts II and III. 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

R. means right of stage ; C, center ; R. C., right 
center ; L., left ; 1 E., first entrance ; U. E., upper en- 
trance ; R. 3 E., right entrance, up stage, etc. ; up stage, 
away from footlights ; down stage, near footlights. The 
actor is supposed to be facing the audience. 



AN EARLY BIRD 



The First Act. 

Scene: The private office of Mr. Cyrus B. Kil- 
BUCK on the first floor of the P. D. Q. Railroad office 
building. Elegant office furnishings. Neat carpet on 
floor. Entrances R. and L. Window at rear. Oil 
paintings of distinguished-looking men on walls. Dark 
background. Large desk down R. facing R. zvall, so 
that person sitting at desk has his left profile toxoard 
audience. On this desk are papers arranged in neat 
piles, writing material, blotters, etc., and a picture of 
Tony in a silver frame. Desk chair in front of desk. 

Down L. facing audience is a stenographer's desk, 
with typewriter and desk chair. Up C. facing rear wall 
is Mr. Ferguson's desk, with chair. Two large leather 
chairs are down C. Coat-rack xvith screen in front of 
it up L. Water cooler up R. 

Other office furniture may be used to dress the stage, 
but is not essential. Potted palms, an adding machine, 
dictaphone, etc., as desired. Telephone on desk down R. 

Time: A morning in March. 

Lights : On full throughout the act. Bunch-lights 
of yelloxc may be used behind the scenes at the two doors 
and at the xcindow. 

IMi^sic : Bright music takes the curtain up but ceases 
as soon as Artie speaks. 

Discovered: Imogene ]\IcCarty busily typing 
a oxen L. Artie reading colored supplement down R. 
at desk, his feet on desk and chair tilted back. 

11 



12 AN EARLY BIRD 

Artie (after curtain is well up, takes feet down from 
desk, swings around in chair, facing Imogene). Say, 
]\Iiss McCarty ! 

Imogene (stops work, looks up, speaks sweetly). 
Yes, Artie? 

Art. (bashfully). Are — are — that is — are you do- 
ing anything tomorrow night? I mean — -have you got 
anything on? I mean — oh, you know what I mean. 

Imogene. I'm afraid I have, Artie. I got to study 
my Sunday School lesson tomorrow night, it being Sat- 
urday. 

Art. There's a awful swell picture show on over 
at tlie Gem. The thirty-third installment of the Mys- 
terious Madness of Mary Bell. (Rises, comes to C.) 
I was thinking that we might go, maybe. I ain't never 
took you to no picture show yet. And I'll get you some 
ice cream afterwards. We'll go over to the Greek's, 
and you kin go as fur as you like. 

Imogene. I'd jest love to go, Artie, honest I would, 
but mamaw is that particidar. She always makes me 
stay in and study on a Saturday night. Ain't that 
fierce? And I'm just dying to see the Mysterious Mad- 
ness of Mary Bell. I'll bet it's awful romantic. 

Art. (enthusiastically) . I should say it is. There's 
a kid in it who has to work fer his livin' jest like me. 
He's the hero, and the hero-ine (gives long sigh), gee, 
you ought to see the hero-ine. She's got the grandest — 

Imogene (listens). Wasn't that the buzzer, Artie? 
(Rises and crosses to L. door.) 

Art. I didn't hear nothing. (Comes to her.) The 
hero-ine has got hair jest like yours, ]Miss McCarty. 
Honest she has. That's why I go so often. 

Enter Bruce Ferguson from L., xeearing overcoat 



AN EARLY BIRD 13 

and carrying derby hat. He does not see Aktie and 
starts to take both of Imogene's hands. 

Bruce. Imogenc ! 

Imogene {motions zvith her head that Art. is 
present). 

Bruce. Ah, yes. Good morning, Miss McCarty ! 
Good morning, Artie. {Goes behind screen and hangs 
up hat and overcoat.) 

Art. (disgusted). Humph! (Goes to C. desk and 
arranges papers, etc.) 

Imogene (resumes her typing dorvn L.). I jest gotta 
get these letters out this morning. The boss has got a 
grouch on. (Works rapidly.) 

Bruce (comes down L. of Imogene). Artie, go up 
to the Claim Department and tell Mr. Sanders to send 
down the papers in the Calumet Case. 

Art. (comes down C). The governor Is up there 
seeing about that case now. 

Bruce. He is? Well, go and ask him if he wants 
me. 

Art. (truculently). He don't. If he does, he'll ring 
the bell fer you. I don't want to butt in up there. He's 
got an awful grouch on. 

Imogene. Artie, come here. (Art. crosses to her.) 
Run over to the drug store and get me a pack of gum. 
I was in such a hurry this morning I clean forgot it. 

Art. (produces three pieces of gum). Here. I got 
almost a whole pack. (Presents two pieces.) With my 
compliments. Miss INIcCarty. 

Imogene. Thanks. (Puts them in her mouth.) 

Art. (chewing the remaining piece). Oh, don't men- 
tion it. 

Bruce. Darn it ! Go on outside, Artie. I got some 
private dictation for Miss INIcCarty. 



14 AN EARLY BIRD 

Art. You have! (Glowers at him.) 

Bruce. Yes, and hurry up. The governor's hable 

to come in any minute. 

Art. Private dictation! Darn! (Exit L.) 

Bruce. Imogcne! My own! (Tahcs both her hands.) 

Imogene (sighs happily). Only three months and 

twelve days, darling ! 

Bruce. And I got the engagement ring most paid 

for. (Sighs happily.) 

Enter Cyrus B. Kilrt^ck from li. in shirt sleeves. 
He sees them. 

KiLBucK. Ferguson ! 

Bruce (starts bach, very much confused, Imogene 
types furiously). Sir? 

KiLBUCK. This is a business office and not a dark 
corner of a park. 

Bruce. I was only giving INIiss McCarty some pri- 
vate dictation, ]Mr. Kilbuck. 

KiLBucK. Yes, I noticed it. Seemed to me it was 
pretty darned private. 

Imogene. He was only (pauses). He was only — 
(pauses). 

KiLBT'CK. Never mind the rest of it. Ferguson, go 
u}) to tile Claim Department. Sanders wants you. 

Bruce. Yes, sir. (Exits R.) 

Kilbuck (seated at desk H.). Have you got tliosc 
letters in the Greer Case typed .? 

Imogene. All but the last one. 

Kilbuck. Then don't let me interrujrt you. Hiis 
Nora Van Dyne been in here this morning? 

Imogene. No, sir. 

Kilbuck. Well, if she comes in when I'm not here, 
send for me at once. 



AN EARLY BIRD 15 

{Opens several letters and reads them hurriedly. Im- 
OGENE types.) 

Imogene. Mr. Kilbuck? 

KiEBUCK. Well? 

Imogene. Is BeaA^er Dam in INIassachusetts or in 
Oregon ? , 

KiLBUCK. Look in the dictionary. {She complies.) 

Enter Art. from L. 

Art. Gentleman outside to see you, INIr. Kilbuck. 
Name of Flanders. 

Kilbuck. Got a card.^ 

Art. Yes, sir. (Gives him calling card.) 

Kilbuck. Humph ! President of the Ninth National 
Bank. Tell him I can't see him this morning. I'm 
bus3^ I can see him at three fifteen tomorrow after- 
noon. Anyone else out there? 

Art. Been six or seven, but he's the only one who 
got past the doorkeeper. 

Kilbuck. Tell him three fifteen tomorrow. 

Imogene. Excuse me, INIr. Kilbuck, but there's a 
directors' meeting at four tomorrow. 

Kilbuck. That's all right. I can get rid of him 
in ten minutes. 

Art. Yes, sir. (Exits L.) 

Kilbuck (resumes reading, pause, then he sciys 
sharply). Ferguson! 

Imogene. He's gone up to the Claim Department, 
^Ir. Kilbuck. 

Kilbuck. Sound the buzzer and call him down. 
{She presses hutton on her desk. Note: No button is 
necessary, as the pantomime is sufficient.) Now get mc 
those blue-prints of Flagg County. Tell Morgan to 



16 AN EARLY BIRD 

give them to you. They'i'e in the fourteenth file. Flagg 
County blue-prints. 

Imogene. Yes, sir. (Exits R.) 

KiLiiucK (opens letter and reads). "Mr. Cyrus B. 
Kilbuck, President of the P. D. Q. Railroad — Dear Sir : 
I am the father of thirteen children and I have got to 
travel from Pittsburgh to Salt Lake City. Would like 
a pass for myself and wife and reduced rates for the 
thirteen. I'll vote for you at the next election." (Tears 
up letter and throws it in waste basket.) 

Enter Bruce from L. with papers. 

Bruce. I've looked over the papers in the Calumet 
Consolidation Case, Mr. Kilbuck, and the3'^'re all ready 
for the directors tomorrow. 

Kilbuck. You'v? looked them over, hay.^ (Sarcas- 
tically. ) And the proposed merger meets your approval, 
I suppose.'^ 

Bruce. If our Company takes over the Calumet 
Railroad, it will be the biggest consolidation of inter- 
ests this country has ever known. It will make liistory. 

Kilbuck. It will, hay.^ Well, we've got enough his- 
tory now. Ask Mr. IMulberry to step here a moment. 

Bruce. Yes, sir. (Exits L.) 

Enter Iiniogene from H. rcitJi a roll of bhie-print 
drawings. 

Imogene. Here they are, Mr. Kilbuck. Tlie blue- 
prints of Flagg County. 

KiLHucK (opens bzindle, takes out one, spreads it on 
desk and studies it, tracing on it with blunt end of pen). 
Thirty-four and two-tenths miles across, and we don't 
own a rod of land in the county. (To Imogexe, xcho is 
looking over his shoulder at prints.) That Avill do, Miss 
3IcCarty. When I want your advice, I'll ask you. 



AN EARLY BIRD 17 

Imogene. Yes, sir. (Returns to her desk and types.) 
Enter from L. Bruce, followed by Mr. Mulberry. 

Mr. M. {goes to Kilbuck). You sent for me, Mr. 
Kilbuck.? 

KiLBUCK. Yes. Here's the plans of Flagg County. 
We're going to run our road straight across the county 
from here to here. Draw up a chair. (Mr. M. does 
so and they study the plans. Bruce comes doxon L. 
of Imogene and takes her hand, "watching Kilbuck to 
see that he does not observe them.) 

Bruce {tenderly). Only three months and twelve 
days, Imogene. 

KiLBucK {without looking up from plans). Get to 
work, Ferguson. 

Bruce. Yes, sir. ( Crosses to his desk and works 
on ledger, exchanging languishing glances and sighs 
with Imogene.) 

Mr. M. Let me see. This is jvist north of Washing- 
ton County, isn't it.'' Have we got a clear title all 
through Washington County.'' 

KiLBUCK. I expect Mrs. Van Dyne in this morning. 

Mr. M. Ah, she's a wonderful woman, is Nora Van 
Dyne. She's saved the road over three million dollars 
since last July. I wonder how she docs it ! 

KiLBUCK. I guess she hypnotizes 'em. If I need a 
piece of land, and need it bad, all I have to do is to send 
her along the road and she gets it for about a tenth of 
its value. 

Mr. M. She's a wonderful woman. 

KiLBUCK. It's a woman's delight to make a bargain. 
Some women use their instincts to get a silk shirt worth 
a dollar for ninety-nine cents. Mrs. Van Dyne uses 
hers to get the road a thousand dollars' worth of land 
for a hundred. 



18 AN EARLY BIRD 

Enter Jessamine Lee froin L. She comes dozen C. 

Jessamine. I walked right in. They tried to stop 
me at the door, but all the king's horses and all the 
king's men couldn't stop me tliis morning. (Gives 
bunch of pink roses to Kilbt^ck.) See what I brought 
you. Right from my own garden. Aren't you glad to 
see me? 

K11.BUCK, I should sa}^ I am. (Takes both her 
hands.) You're like a cool summer wdnd blowing over 
a sandy desert. 

Jessamine. Do 3'ou mean to say I'm too Avindy.'^ 

KiLBUCK. I mean to say you're the dearest little 
girl in the world. That will do, Midberry. We'll dis- 
cui-s the right of way later. 

]Mr. ]\I. Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. (Exits L.) 

KiLBUCK. INIiss McCarty, you can take your work 
in the outer office. 

Imogene. Yes, sir. (Exits L. Bruce starts to 
follow. ) 

KiLBUCK. Hold on, Ferguson. You work in there. 
(Points to R.) I can't have you and Imogene in the 
same office without a chapcronc. Business is business. 

Bruce (gives a long sigh). Yes, sir. (Exits R.) 

Jessamine. You'll never guess why I came down to 
the offices this morning. 

KiLBUCK. To see me, of course. Sit down. 

Jessamine. Wait till I put the roses in water. (Gets 
vase from desk, takes it to xcater-cooler and fills it, 
places roses in it and pats if on Kilbth^k's desk.) I just 
got a telegram from Tony. 

KiT.HUCK. What's happened to liini? Has he won 
anotlier game of football, or been elected fii'st base of 
the College Glee Club? 

Jessamine. No, he's coming lioine. 



AN EARLY BIRD 19 

KiLBUCK. What for? 

Jessamine. I don't know. He didn't say. Just said 
he'd arrive on the ten-ten. I'm on my way over to the 
station now. 

KiLBUCK. You have half an hour. I wonder why 
he's coming home. 

Jessamine. Why, to see his daddy, of course. 

KiLBT^CK. And his fiancee. It's a good thing for 
Tony Kilbuck that I'm not twenty years younger. 

Jessamine. Why ? 

KiLBUCK. I'd cut him out and make you my wife 
instead of my daugliter-in-hiw. 

Jessamine. You're an old dear. Don't you want 
to put on your hat and come over to the station with 
me.'' 

KiLBUCK. Haven't got time. With the Calumet 
merger on and our new extension in the northeast, I 
don't have time to eat my luncheon. 

Jessamine. I'm awfully afraid I'm interrupting 
you. 

KiLBUCK. I'm glad of it. Jessamine. It's moments 
like these that make life worth the living. Ah, if you 
were only twenty years older. 

Jessamine. Well, since you won't make me your 
wife, I suppose I'll have to be content with Tony. {Sees 
picture on desk.) Oh, you've got his picture, haven't 
you.? 

KiLBUCK. Yes, I always keep it in my desk. Tony 
is all I have, you know. 

Jessamine. And I'm going to take him away from 
you. 

KiLBUCK. That won't be for several years yet. He 
has to make a name for himself first. I've got it all 
planned out. By the time he's forty, he'll be the prcsi- 



20 AN EARLY BIRD 



dent of the road. He'll be ahead of me. I never had 
the advantage of a college education. 

Enter Aet. from L. 

Art. {goes to Mr. Kilbuck and hands him calling 
card). The gent says it's very important. 

Kilbuck. Tell him to go to blazes. I'm too busy 
to be interrupted. 

Art. I took his card to Mr. IMulberry and he said 
you'd see him. It's Mr. Bird. 

Kilbuck, Bird.'' Bird from Flagg County .? 

Art. Yes, sir. 

Kilbuck. Tell him to come in. {Exit Art., L.) 

Jessamine. I'll go now. 

Kilbuck. Not at all. It won't take me two minutes 
to get rid of the bird. He owns some land up in Flagg 
County. Our new road is to go right through his 
property, and we'll have to make a bid on the land. 

Enter Barnaby Bird from L. 

Bird {crossing to Kilbuck). jNIr. Kilbuck? 

Kilbuck {shaking hands with him). Yes. Glad to 
meet you, Mr. Bird. 

Bird. I came on a little business. {Glancing at 
Jkssamine zcho is seated at L.) Private business. 

Kilbuck. That's all right. You can speak right 
out in front of that young lady. 

Bird. There's a rumor up in Flagg County that 
your new road is going right straight across the county. 

Kilbuck. We haven't decided just where we are 
going. 

Bird. Well, my name's Barnaby Bird, you know. 
I'm the little early bird, as it were. I own nearly a 
thousand acres of land in Flagg County and if the rail- 
road wants to buy it, why its in the market. 



AN EARLY BIRD 21 



KiLBTJCK. Mrs. Van Dyne attends to all our land 
purchasing, Mr. Bird. 

Bird. A woman.'* 

KiLBUCK. A lady. 

Bird. Surely you don't allow a woman to go 'round 
buying the railroad land, do you.^* 

KiLBUCK. Yes, we've been doing that for some years 
now. Mrs. Van Dyne is quite capable in her way. 

Bird. But she's a woman. 

KiLBT'CK. Exactly, we find it doesn't handicap her 
in that position. 

Bird. Then you don't want to make me an offer 
right now. 

KiLBUCK. It's out of the question. We haven't de- 
cided just where the road bed is to be. 

Bird. Well, as soon as you decide call me up over 
the long-distance. You won't forget the name. Re- 
member, I'm the little early bird. 

KiLBUCK. I'll remember. Very glad to have met 
you, Mr. Bird. 

Bird. Sure you don't want to buy the land today? 

KiLBUCK. Yes, I'm quite sure. In fact, the matter 
is entirely in the hands of Mrs. Van Dyne. 

Bird. I'd like to meet the lady. {Looks at Jessa- 
mine.) 

KiLBUCK. I have no doubt you'll have ample oppor- 
tunity, some time. 

Bird. I'm always glad to meet the ladies. I make 
it a point to never miss nothin'. 

KiLBUCK. Yes, I understand. 

Bird. And the ladies is always glad to meet me. 
I'm forty-nine, but I'm jest as young as I used to be. 

KiLBUCK. A widower, I presume.'' 

Bird. Who, me.'' Not on your tin-type. I'm a bach- 



22 AN EARLY BIRD 



elor. Every eligible woman in Flagg County's got her 
eye's on me ; but I'm a wise old bird, Kilbuck, a wise old 
bird. 

Kilbuck. As soon as the company decides upon the 
exact course of our road bed, I'll let you know, Mr. 
Bird. {Pushes button on desk in pantomime.) 

Bird. All right. Jest send a wire or call me up 
over long-distance. You see I — 

Enter Art. from L. 

Kilbuck (shakes hands rcith Bird). Good morning. 
Artie, show Mr. Bird out. 

Bird. Good morning. Don't forgit the name. Bar- 
naby Bird. Jest remember the little early bird ; that's 
me. {Exit L., folloiced by Art.) 

Jessamine. Disgusting creature ! 

Kilbuck. Wasn't he? Yet he owns nearly half of 
Flagg County. 

Jessamine. Who is this Mrs. Van Dyne 3^ou were 
talking about .^ 

Kilbuck. One of our agents. She buys the land 
for the company when they want to build a new line. 

Enter Art. from L. 

Art. Excuse mc, Mr. Kilbuck, but Miz' Van Dine's 
outside. 

Kilbuck. Tell her to come in. I want you to meet 
her, Jessamine. As the future wife of the future presi- 
dent of the P. D. Q. Railroad, you should take an in- 
terest in our agents. 

Enter Mrs. Van Dyne from L., carrying small satchel. 

Kilbuck. Mrs. Van, I'm glad to see you. We were 
just talking about 3'ou. Let me introduce INIiss Jessa- 
mine Lee. Miss Lee, this is Mrs. Van Dyne. 

Jessamine. Charmed to meet you. 



AN EARLY BIRD 23 



]Mrs. V. {gravely). The pleasure is mine. 

KiLBucK. Sit down, Mrs. Van. {Draws her a large 
easy chair to R. C, Jessamine sits at L., Kilbuck at 
R.) Won't you take off your things .'' 

INIrs. V. I can only stay a few moments, Mr. Kil- 
buck. I have had a telegram from Arizona. My boy 
is worse. I am leaving on the noon train. 

KiLBucK. Worse, is he? The poor little fellow. Is 
there anything I can do for you, Mrs. Van.^^ 

Mrs. V. Nothing, thank you, Mr. Kilbuck, only I'd 
like to take a month's vacation. I've cleared the entire 
right of way through Washington County, and I have 
my full report in here. {Extends satchel.) Mr. Mul- 
berry was kind enough to say that I had saved the 
company a quarter of a million dollars. But it's been 
a long, hard job. I need a rest. 

Kilbuck. Of course you do. The fresh, dry air of 
Arizona will do you a world of good. 

Mrs. V. But there's Flagg County to be gone 
over — 

Kilbuck. Doa't you worry about Flagg County. 
I guess we can wait thirty days. Flagg County won't 
run away. 

Mrs. V. Shall I go over the papers with you? 

Kilbuck. It isn't necessary. You say Mulberry has 
looked at them ? 

INIrs. V. Yes, sir. 

Kilbuck. That's all that's necessary. I trust Mul- 
berry as much as I trust you. {Rises.) Now forget all 
about the new road and all about Flagg County and 
be off on your vacation. 

INIrs, V. Oh, thank you. {Rises.) If there is noth- 
ing more to do, I'd rather leave at once. 

Kilbuck {escorts her to door L.). You go and enjoy 



24 AN EARLY BIRD 

the trip. Then hring the boy back home with you. The 
.sight of his mother's face will do him more good than 
all the medicine in Arizona. Good-bye. 

Mrs. V. Good-bye, and God bless you. (Exit L. 
after bowing to Jessamine.) 

KiLBucK (resuming his seat). She's a widow and her 
only bo3^ is sick way out there in Arizona. Well, I guess 
our friend, the early bird, will have to wait a month or 
so before he sells us his thousand acres. 

Jessamine (looks at watch). Oh, I'll have to hurry. 
It's nearly time for Tony. Are you sure you can't 
come along with me? 

KiLBucK. As sure as shootin'. But bring him here 
as soon as he lands. You will have plenty of time for 
love's young dream afterwards. 

Jessamine. Why, Mr. Kilbuck, we never think of 
such a thing. (Going toward L. door.) 

KiT.BucK (pushes button on his desk). Wait a min- 
ute, I'll go as far as the door with you. 

Enter Imogene froin L. 

Imogene. Did you ring, Mr. Kilbuck.? - 

Kilbuck. Yes. Just finish that dictation in the 

Greer Case. I'll be back in a minute. (Exit L. with 

Jessamine.) 

Enter Bruce from B. 

Bruce. Imogene! (Goes to her.) 
Imogene. Only three months to wait ! 
Bruce. And twelve days. 

Enter Art. from L. 

Art. (loudly). Say! 

(Imogene and Bruce spring apart and begin to work 
rapidly. ) 



AN EARLY BIRD 25 

Art. That guy Bird's out here agahi. He says 
he's lost his umberella, and wants to know if he left it 
in here. 

Imogene. I don't see it anywhere. 

Bruce. Who is he, Artie? 

Art. Oh, some old kangaroo who thinks he owns 

the earth. t-> -n. /. x 

Enter Bird from L. 

Bird. Perhaps Mr. Kilbuck saw my umbrella. 

Art. Mr. Kilbuck ain't here now. 

Bird {sits at R. C). I'll wait till he comes back. 

Art. It's agin orders. You'll have to wait in tlie 
outer office. 

Bird (looking admiringly at Imogene). Oh, no, lit- 
tle boy, I prefer to wait here. 

Art. {in great indignation). Little boy! He called 
me little boy ! ( To audience. ) Did you get that ? 
{Exit L.) 

Bird. I am sure Mr. Kilbuck won't object to my 
waiting here. You see, I am Mr. Bird of Flagg County. 
I own nearly a thousand acres up there, and I under- 
stand the Company is going to build their road right 
across my land. So I'm right here on the job, to have 
them make me an offer. I'm the little early bird, as it 
were. See.'' 

Imogene. And the little early bird usually catches 
the worm, don't he.^ 

Bird {leaning over lier chair and looking in her 
eyes). Yes, my little charmer, he does. 

Imogene. Well, you might be a bird, all right, but 
I want you to get wise to the fact that I ain't no worm. 
Get me? (Bird crossed to R.) 

Bird. Mrs. Van Dyne isn't down yet, is she? 



26 AN EARLY BIRD 



Imogene. Yes, sir. She was In here just a minute 
aofo talking to Mr. Kilbuck. 

Bird. Slie was.^^ So that httlc lady was Mrs. Van 
Dyne, was it.^ And he didn't even introduce me. Charm- 
ing little lady she was, too. 

Enter Kilbuck from L. 

Kilbuck (seeing Bird). Well, Mr. Bird? 

Bird. Yes, quite well thank you. 

Kilbuck. I'm afraid you can't see Mrs. Van D^aie 
this morning. She has just left. 

Bird. Too bad, too bad. Why didn't you intro- 
duce me.^ 

Kilbuck. We're not ready to make a bid on the 
land yet. When we are, I'll let you know. Mrs. Van 
Dyne will see you. 

Bird. I saw her when she was talking to you. Say, 
Kilbuck, she's a hum-dinger, I'm crazy to meet her. 

Kilbuck. No doubt. 

Bird. I lost my umbcrella. You ain't seen it, have 
you.? 

Kilbuck (shorth/). No, it isn't in here. You may 
look in the outer office. Good morning. 

Bird. But I— 

Kilbuck. Good morning. (Turns his back on Bird 
and xcorh's at desk.) 

Bird. Good morning. (Exit L. trying to flirt with 
Imogene.) 

Kilbuck. Ferguson, the next time that man calls, 
don't let him get beyond the front door. He calls him- 
self the early bird. By George, he looks more like a 
jail-bird to me. 

Enter Art. zcith telegram. 

Art. Telegram, Mr. Kilbuck. 



AN EARLY BIRD 27 

KiLBUCK. All right. {Takes it. Art. exits L.) 

Imogene (crosses to Kilbuck with papers). The 
Grccr papers are all ready for your signature, Mr. 
Kilbuck. 

KiLBUCK (opens telegram, reads, starts, reads it 
again, paying no atteiition to Imogene.) Ah, (Gives 
a deep sigh and sits staring into space.) 

Imogene (softly). The papers in the Greer Case, 
Mr. Kilbuck. 

Kilbuck (starts). Take 'em to Mulberry. Get out. 
I want to be alone. I want to think. You, too, Fer- 
guson. 

Imogene (starts to exit L.). Yes, sir. 

Kilbuck. Just a moment. Let those papers rest a 
few minutes. Send Mr. Mulberry in here. 

Imogene. Yes, sir. (Exchanges surprised looks with 
Bruce and both exeunt at L.) 

Kilbuck (staring at telegram). Expelled. Kicked 
out of college. (Pause, takes up Tony's picture, looks 
at it sadly, shakes head, replaces picture. Sits staring 
straight in front of him. Pause.) 

Enter Mr. ]M. from L. 

Mr. ]\I. (crosses to Kilbuck, touches him on arm). 

Kilbuck (starts, looks at Mr. IM.). Sit down, ]\lul- 
berry. Read that. (Hands telegram to INIr. INI.) 

]Mr. M. (slowly reads telegram, pauses, looks at 
Kilbuck).. Well.? 

Kilbuck. And I had such high hopes for him, such 
great ambitions, and now — that telegram. 

]\Ir. M. Pooh, that telegram doesn't matter. What 
if he is expelled from college.'' That doesn't mean that 
he is ruined for life. 



28 AN EARLY BIRD 

KiLBUCK. It's a bad beginning, Mulberry. It shows 
that he lacks definite aim and cHstinction. 

Mr. M. Not at all. He has plenty of abihty locked 
up in him. It just needs something to turn the lock. 

KiLBUCK. I've tried everything. INIoney. A good 
home, a college education — 

Mr. M. You haven't tried the right thing. 

KiLBUCK. What do you mean right thing.? 

Mr. INI. I mean hard work. I mean throwing him 
on his own resources. I mean throw him overboard in 
the deep water and tell him to sink or swim. You know 
my second boy, Rufus.? Well, he was just such a young 
cub as your Tony. His highest ambition was to win a 
polo game or lead a cotillion. Look at him now ! 

KiLBUCK. He's one of the liveliest young men in 
the business world today. He went out for the Rock 
Rib Wire and Iron Works and brought in enough or- 
ders to put the concern on its feet. Your boy is a boy 
to be proud of. 

Mr. M. He started out even worse than Tony. In- 
stead of getting expelled from college, he married a 
stenograplier. 

KiLBUCK. Yes, I remember. 

Mr. M. I told him he'd have to cut loose from me. 
I cast him off. I tlircw him out of tlie liouse. And, what 
was the result.? He went to work, and now he's making 
three times as much as I am. The ability Avas locked 
up in him, just as it is in your Tony. I simply opened 
the door and let it out. 

KiLBUCK (rises, crosses to Mr. M. and shakes hands 
icith him, pause). Just watcli me, that's all. Just keej) 
your eye on me. 

Mr. M. Arc you going to follow my plan.? 

KiLBUCK. I'm going to go you one better. It'll be 



AN EARLY BIRD 29 



hard, but I'm going to make a man of my boy. He'll 
be here in half an hour and then look' out for fireworks. 

Enter Art. from R. 

Art. iNIr. Kilbuck, the president of the Calumet 
road is in the outer office. 

Kilbuck. Tell him I'll see him at once. Come on, 
Mulberry. Business is business. 

Art. Yes, sir. (Exits R.) 

Kilbuck {going out R. with ]Mr. jNI.). But when 
that young rascal does show up you want to watch the 
fireworks, that's all; just watch the fireworks. {Exeunt 
R.) 

Slight pause. Then enter from L. Tony Kilbuck. 
He comes rapidly in and down C. He walks rapidly on 
his toes, with knees held rather stiff. This is a charac- 
teristic walk all through the play and shoidd he prac- 
ticed until it appears perfectly natural. It is an index 
to the character who always moves with a rush. 

Tony. Dad, dad! {Looks arou7id.) He isn't here. 
And I had my first entrance all planned out. 

Enter Jessamine from L. 

Jessamine. The clerk told me your father was up 
in the directors' room. 

Tony. In the directors' room, when his only son and 
heir has just returned from college.'' We'll have him 
down. Which button shall I push.'' {At desk at R.) 

Jessamine. I don't know. 

Tony. I'll push them all, then I'll be sure to get 
him. {Pushes buttons on desk in pantomime.) 

Jessamine. Oh, I'm so glad to have you home again. 



30 AN EARLY BIRD 

Tony {crosses to her). I'm glad to be liomc, believe 
me! 

Enter Art., Imogens and Bruce from L. 

The Three. Did you ring for me? 

ToT^Y (down L.). Oh, look at the office force. Kindly 
run out and find the governor. Tell him to turn on all 
the lights, hang out the American flag, kill the fatted 
calf, and let the band play — the Prodigal has returned. 

Art. Yes, sir. {Exits R.) 

Bruce {down L. C). Can I do anything for you, 
Mr. Kilbuck.? 

Tony. Yes. Go across the street and order me four 
Martini cocktails and keep them on ice. After I've seen 
father I'll need a stimulant. 

Bruce. Yes, sir. {Exits L.) 

Imogene {coming down L. C). I'm glad to see you 
home again, j\Ir. Kilbuck. 

Tony {shakes hands zvith her). And I'm glad you're 
glad. 

Jessamine {at L., pulls Tony by coat). Ahem! 

Tony {looks at her). Oh, yes. I forgot I was an 
engaged man. {To Imogene.) Just wait outside, 
Little Sunshine, I think father will have some dictating 
to do as soon as he sees me. 

Imogene. Yes, sir. {Exits L.) 

Jessamine. Oh, Tony, I'm so frightened. What 
will your father say when he learns you aren't going 
back to college any more.'' 

Tony. You want to stick around and hear what he 
says. If you're here, it won't be as strong as if I were 
all alone. 

Jessamine. But what do you intend to do.? 

Tony. Get married right awav. 



AN EARLY BIRD 31 

Jessamine, But suppose your father doesn't ap- 
prove? 

Tony. We won't tell him anything about it until 
it's all over. 

Jessamine. He might cut you off. 

Tony. That's so. He might. Would you care.'' 

Jessamine. I.'' No, indeed. I was only thinking of 
you. 

Tony. Don't worry about me. After we're mar- 
ried — 

Jessamine. But it wouldn't be right. Suppose you 
go into business. Make a big name for yourself, make 
me awfully proud of you, earn a couple of hundred 
thousand or so — and then — - 

Tony. You talk just like the heroine of a play I 
saw last week. She kept insisting on the hero going 
to work and finally he did, and then for four acts 
everybody suffered. 

Jessamine. But you are ambitious, aren't you.'' 

Tony {yawns). Oh, yes, I'm awfully ambitious. 

Jessamine. And you want to be a success, don't 
you.? 

Tony (lazily). Oh, yes. Yes, indeed. 

Jessamine. The only road to success is hard labor. 

Tony. You talk like a copy book. 

Jessamine. I mean it. You want to work, don't you ? 

Tony. Well (hesitates) , I'm not so sure about that. 
It must be an awful thing to have to go to bed every 
night and know that you must get up in the morning 
at ten o'clock and go to work. 

Jessamine. But you'd be so much happier if you 
had a position. 

Tony. Now you're talking like father. He's been 



32 AN EARLY BIRD 

harping on that position ever since I went to college six 
years ago. 

Jessamine. But now you're through with college. 

Tony. College is through with me. They won't let 
nie come back. I was in the freshman class four ^^ears, 
and I was just beginning to enjoy the place. 

Jessamine. But you must be something. Be some- 
thing big. Carve your own way to fame and fortune. 

Tony. That's just the wa}'^ tlie girl in the show 
talked. And they had an awful time. I believe I'd 
rather just settle down here and work for father. I'd 
have a private office all finished in oak and a blonde 
stenographer and an office boy in brass buttons. And 
I'd start in on six thousand a year. 

Jessamine. But do you think your father would 
consent. '^ 

Tony. Of course he will. And we can be married 
next week. We'll get a little apartment at first and be 
as happy as two little turtle doves. 

Jessaaiine. I've always wanted a little apartment. 
Ten or twelve rooms and a little garage. 

Tony. We could do all our own work — that is, all 
except the chauffeur. Of course we've got to have a 
chauffeur. 

Jessamine. And a chef. I've always wanted a 
French chef. And one or two maids. Oh, it will be 
heavenly. 

Tony. Won't it? I've got lots more sense than 
the hero of that play had. He let his father turn him 
out and had an awful time until the last act. I'll have 
more sand. I'll tell dad what is what. 
Enter Art. from R. 

Art. Mr. Kilbuck says he can give you fifteen 
minutes. 



AN EARLY BIRD 33 

Tony. Fifteen minutes? Well, that's better than 
giving me thirty clays. 

Art. He'll be right down. {Exits L.) 

Jessamine {coming to C). I'd better go, Tony. 
You and your father will have things to talk over by 
yourselves. 

To:sY {nervously/). Maybe you'd better stay. Father 
is liable to get excited. 

Jessamine. No. I'll wait for you outside in the 
car. Good-bye. {Exits L.) 

Tony. No, wait a minute. You'd better stay. 
{Crosses up L.) 

Enter Kilbuck from R. 

KiLBUCK {comes to C). So you're home, are you? 

Tony {comes to him, speaks cheerfully). Yes, I'm 
home. 

Kilbuck. Thrown out of college in disgrace. 

Tony. Well not exactly thrown. I folded my tents 
like the Arab and gently stole away. 

KiLBiTCK. And that was a grand college, too. Just 
look at the list of graduates. Every year they turn 
out a crop of fine young fellows. 

Tony. That's right. They turned me out. 

Kilbuck. Bah! {Sits at desk R.). Now you listen 
to me ! 

Tony {sits at L. C). Shoot ahead. 

Kilbuck. I'm a man of few words. 

Tony {to audience). Now he's going to tell me the 
history of his life. 

Kilbuck. At ten years of age — 

Tony {as before). I thought so. 

K1J.BUCK. I had completed my education. 

Tony. Yes, sir. 



34 AN EARLY BIRD 

KiLBUCK. At twenty I was a railroad clerk. At 
thirty I was the head of a department. 

Tony. Yes, sir. The head of a department. 

KiLBUCK. At fifty I am a millionaire. Now, sir, 
by what means have I reached this pinnacle.'* 

Tony. I give it up. 

KiLBTTCK. By planning a line of action, sir, and by 
following tliat line with industry and undeviating rule. 
Understand.'' Undeviating rule. 

Tony. Yes, sir, that's a good word — undeviating. 

KiLBUCK. In all my career I have never made a mis- 
take. 

Tony. I congratulate 3'ou, father. 

KiLBUCK. And now, on the other hand, look at 
yourself. 

Tony (stands up, throws back shoulders). Yes, have 
a look ! 

KiLBUCK. Bah! You are hopeless, sir, hopeless! 

Tony. I'm just a little nervous, that's all. 

KiLBUCK. I have given you every opportunity, and 
what have you done with them.? 

Tony. I don't know. Lost them, I guess. 

KiLBUCK. Lost them? No, you have destroyed 
them. Wilfully destroyed your golden opportunities. 
I have lavished money on you, and you are nearly ten 
thousand dollars in debt. 

Tony. Only eight thousand, father. 

KiLBUCK. I have sent 3^ou to college and you have 
been expelled. 

Tony. I am afraid I never was intended for a stu- 
dent. I'm going to be a business man, a regular busi- 
ness man. 

KiLBUCK. In the first place what do you mean by 
overdrawing vour allowance? 



AN EARLY BIRD 35 

Tony. It just proves I was right when I said my 
allowance wasn't big enough. 

KiLBucK. What ! 

Tony. And if it isn't big enough for one, I'm sure 
it's much too small for two. 

KiLBucK. For two.'' 

Tony. Of course I intend to get married. 

KiLBUCK. I don't doubt it. You're fool enough 
for anything. 

Tony. Very well. I'll go. I'm not going to be 
insulted. {Starts off at L.) 

KiLBUCK (rises at R.). Wait a minute. Remember, 
I'm your friend, even if I am your father. Sit down. 

Tony (hesitates, then comes down to L. C. slowhj 
and sits down). Well.'' 

KiLBUCK. Tlic secret of the whole matter is I've 
been too easy with you. Too damned easy. 

Tony. Father, I saw a play last week. The father 
of the hero forced him to go to work. And everybody 
was perfectly miserable for four acts. 

KiLBUCK. That's just what I am going to do. 

Tony. I'm willing. I've always wanted to work. 
Give me a nice easy job here at the offices, a blonde 
stenographer and a set of offices furnished in oak and 
just watch me work. 

KiLBUCK. Bah, you can't work. You're not a pro- 
ducer, you're just a consumer. You couldn't earn five 
dollars a week. But you'll get a chance. You get out 
of my house tonight, or I'll have you thrown out. 

Tony. But I want to work you, I mean work for you. 

KiLBUCK. You'll work for yourself. If there's any- 
thing in you, it's up to you to bring it out. I won't 
give you a job. I won't give you a home. Get out. 
Earn your own living. Make good ! 



36 AN EARLY BIRD 

Tony. But, father — 

KiLBucK. You see that door? (Points to door at L.) 

Tony (pleasantly). Yes, it's a nice door. 

KiLuucK. On the outside it says Pull, but on my 
side it says Push ! Get the idea ? I had no pull to make 
my way, only push ! And it made me a millionaire. 
Understand? Push! 

Tony. And now you want me to push? 

KiLBTTCK. You've got to swim if you don't want to 
sink. From this minute you are your own boss. I'm 
going to see what's in you. 

Tony. But— 

KiLBucK. Not another word. Get out. Go to work. 

Tony {rising, speaks to audience). This is getting 
more like that damned l)lay every minute. 

KiLBUCK. Now your fifteen minutes is up. Get 
out and make good. 

Tony. Aren't you going to give me a little money 
to start on? 

KiLBucK. Not a single penny. In two months you'll 
be twenty years old. On your twentieth birthday you'll 
get a thousand dollars. 

Tony. Would you mind writing out that check 
now? 

KiLBucK (at desk). What for? 

Tony. Oh, you're liable to forget It by my twen- 
tieth birthday. 

KiLBUCK. Very well. (Writes check.) But I'll date 
it two months ahead. (Writes.) 

Tony. I will show you tliat I'm no piker. I zcill 
leave your house tonight, I will go to work, I will make 
good. 

KiLBTTCK. There's the check. And now, get out, 
I'm busy. (Pushes button.) 



AN EARLY BIRD 37 

Tony (takes check). You're turning me out like a 
beggar, but in spite of all — you are my father. I for- 
give you. 

KiLBucK {spluttering with rage). You forgive m^.? 

Enter Mr. M. from R. 

Mr. M. You rang for me, sir? 

KiLBUCK. Yes, let us go over the Greer Case. {To 
Tony.) That will be all, Mr. Kilbuck. 

Tony. Just a moment. (Comes to Mr. M. at C.) 
Mr. Mulberry, look at this check. (Shows it.) Is it 
good.'^ 

Kilbuck (splutters with rage). Good.'' Good.'' You 
young jackanapes! 

Tony. I mean is it worth anything, Mr. Mulberry .^ 

jMr. M. Certainly it is. But it's dated two months 
ahead. 

Tony. How much is it worth now.'' 

]Mr. M. It's worth about $990. 

Tony. Good. (Takes note and endorses it at C. 
desk.) Will you let me have $950 for it? 

Kilbuck (spluttering with rage). What ! You young 
scoundrel ! 

Mr. M. Certainly I will. (Sits at desk L. and 
xvrites a check.) 

Tony. You'd be doing me a great favor, Mr. Mul- 
berry. I need a little capital to start in business for 
myself. 

Mr. M. (handing his check). There you are. Nine 
hundred and fifty dollars. 

Tony (giving him the other check). And there you 
are. One thousand dollars. 

Kilbuck (pushes button). Get out or I'll have the 
office boy throw you out. 



38 AN EARLY BIRD 



Mr. M. But Avhy didn't you keep the original 
check ? 

Tony. A bird in the hand is worth ten in the bush. 

Enter Imogene and Art. 

KiLBUCK. Artie, shoAv that gentleman to the door. 

Tony. Oh, it isn't necessary. I'll go now. But I'll 
be back in a year with ten thousand dollars. I'll make 
you eat your words done up in a hamburger sandwich. 
Good-bye, Mr. Mulberry. Au revoir, nion pcre, 
(To Imogene, who is dozen L.) Farewell, Little Sun- 
shine. (To Art., who is up L. C.) Ta, ta, Small 
Boy! (At door L.) I'm ofF! Rah, rah, rah! (Dashes 
out L.) 

Curtain. 



AN EARLY BIRD 



The Second Act, 

Scene : Living room in Mks. Beavers' hoarding 
house at Flagg Corners. Entrances L. of C. {from 
street), L. (from- dining room) and R. {from Tony's 
room). Window at rear, with white muslin curtains. 

Old-fashioned furniture covered with horse-hair cloth, 
if possible. Dark carpet on floor. Organ or old piano 
up L. Fireplace dozni R. No fire. Mantel with orna- 
ments, fender, etc. Large round table down R. C. with 
fancy cover. Wax flowers with glass cover, fam- 
ily album, framed photograph, etc., neatly arranged 
on table. Old-fashioned sofa down C Rocking chair 
at L. of table, arm chair at R. Four chairs placed 
primly against walls. Tidies in profusion. Fictures 
on the walls and beribboned fancy articles around the 
room are silent witnesses of Rosa Bella's artistic abil- 
ity. Fancy lamp. 

Smcdl desk with writing material up R. A large 
book on this desk serves as a register. The entire set- 
ting suggests prim; rural, dsadly conventionality . 

Time: 10 a. m. on the first of July. 

Lights : On full throughout the act. Bunch-lights 
may be used at the doors and window. 

Music : ""Way Down Upo7i de Sxvanee Ribber" played 
very loud and fast takes up the ctirtain, but ceases as 
soon as Dilly speaks. 

Discovered : Dilly kneeling at fireplace polishing 
the fender. She has a pail of water, rags and a cake 
of polish. 

39 



40 AN EARLY BIRD 

Mrs. Beavers {heard off L. calling in a high-pitched, 
long prolonged tone). Dilly ! (Pause.) Dilly! 

DiLLY. Yes'm. I'm polishing the fender. 

Mrs. B. (off stage). Hurry up and come here and 
peel these p'taters. It's after ten o'clock. 

Dilly (rises). Yes'm. I'm coming. (Talces pail, 
tcrings out cloth in it and starts out L.) 

Mrs. B (outside). Is everything tidied up in that 
room .'' 

Dilly (fli L. C). Yes'm. 

Enter Mrs. B. from L. Flour marks on her face, 
hands and arms. She is wiping her hands on her apron. 

Mrs. B. (at L.). Where's Rosa Bella? 

Dilly. She ain't got back yet. She said to tell you 
she'd gone to th^ dressmaker's to have her last try-on. 

Mrs. B. She'd orter been home an hour ago. Did 
you finish Kilbuck's room.'' 

Dilly. No'm, I didn't. 

Mrs. B. My stars and seeds ! Why didn't you? 

Dilly. He ain't up yet. You kin hear him snorin' 
like a steam engine buzz-saw. 

Mrs. B. And it's after ten o'clock. I'll bet I'll get 

him up if I have to throw a bucket of hot suds througli 

the transom. (Crosses to door R.) The idea! (Raps 

shar pill at door.) ,^ 

^ -^ ^ (Pause.) 

Dilly. That won't wake him ud. I tried that my- 
self. 

]\Irs. B. You go and peel tlicm p'taters. There's 
liable to be seven or eight in on the morning train. 
And call up the butclier shop and tell 'em if they don't 
send that meat right away I'll know the reason why. 
And hurry up ! 



i 



AN EARLY BIRD 41 

DiLLY. Yes'm. I'm ahurrying. (Exits at L. slowly.) 

Mrs. B. (pounds on door at R.). Mr. Kilbuck! Get 
up. Mr. Kilbuck ! It's most noon. 

Tony (inside at R., sleepily). What's the matter.? 
What's matter .f* 

]Mrs. B. Get up. It's me. Mrs. Beavers. 

Tony. All right. I'm getting up. (Pause.) What 
time is it.'' 

Mrs. B. It's after ten o'clock. (Bangs on door.) 
Don't you go to sleep again. I've got to clean your 
room. 

Tony. All right. 

Mrs. B. He's the laziest man I ever had in my 
house, and I've been keeping boarders in Flagg Cor- 
ners fer thirty years. 

Enter Rosa Bella from C. D. wearing large sum- 
mer hat and carrying parasol and numerous bundles. 

Rosa Bella. Oh, maw, I got the loveliest bargains 
down at the General Store, Twelve yards of gauze 
ribbon and the dearest little pink dimity. 

Mrs. B. You did? How much did you spend.? 

Rosa Bella. Only thirteen dollars, and I paid the 
dressmaker three dollars on account. 

Mrs. B. Sixteen dollars! My stars and seeds! 
We'll end up in the poor-house yet. 

Rosa Bella. Now maw, don't scold. I simply got 
to have something to wear at the Fourth of July pic- 
nic. (Removes hat.) 

Mrs. B. I guess that black and white organdie was 
plenty good enough. 

Rosa Bella. It's as old as the hills. Every girl in 
town has seen it. 

Mrs. B. And there's your green spotted lawn. You 
ain't worn it more'n a dozen times. 



42 AN EARLY BIRD 

Rosa Belt.a. Now, maw, 3^011 know green ain't be- 
coming to my complexion. 

^lus. B. Tlierc's your blue and purple — 

Rosa Bella. I look like a giraffe in that. Harry 
Sunnners said it looked like a plum pic. 

Mrs. B. Well, if Harry Summers had to pay fer 
some of your clothes, he wouldn't be making such re- 
marks. Harry Summers ! Humph ! Them Summerscs 
always did make me sick. Who you going to the picnic 
with .'' 

Rosa Bella. I dunno, maw. I can't decide. 

Mrs. B. Didn't Mr. Bird ask you.? 

Rosa Bella. Oh, him ! 

Mrs. B. Now don't you go talking disrespectful 
about Barnaby Bird. He's the richest man in Flagg 
County. 

Rosa Bella. I don't care if he is. He's old enough 
to bo my paw. 

Mrs. B. He ain't neither. And he's real attentive 
to you, Rosa Bella. He brung 3'ou a box of candy last 
week. 

Rosa Bella. Yes, half a pound from the corner 
grocery store. 

Miis. B. Mr. Bird is a wealth}^, refined gentleman, 
Rosa Bella, and you orter be proud of his attentions. 
He means business. I suppose you'd rather gad around 
with that Kilbuck boy. 

Rosa Bella. ^Ir. Kilbuck is a gentleman, too. 

Mrs. B. And a life insurance agent ! Humph ! He's 
been in Flagg Corners two weeks and he ain't earned 
fifty cents. You th.ink just because he's cute and funny 
and wears city clothes he'd make a good husb.-md. 
Rosa Bella Beavers, you mark my word, tliere's a mys- 
tery connected with that boy. He don't earn nothin' 



AN EARLY BIRD 43 

and yet lie always has some money. Maybe lie's a bank 
robber or something like that. 

Rosa Bella. I don't care what he is, maw, he's the 
cutest thing I ever met, so there ! 

]Mrs. B. Are you going to the picnic with him.'' 

Rosa Bella. He ain't asked me yet. 

Mrs. B. Well, you ain't. Now you listen to me, 
young lady. Here I work like a slave in a country 
boarding-house jest to make a fine lady out of you, 
and when you get a chance at Barnaby Bird, the rich- 
est man in Flagg County, you want to go galavantin' 
around with some no-count do-nothing who nobody 
knows and who don't earn a cent from week's end to 
week's end. Insurance agent, humph ! Loafer is what 
I call him. 

Enter Tony from R. in time to hear the last remark. 

Tony. Good morning, Mrs. Beavers. Lovely morn- 
ing, isn't it? 

Mrs. B. {(lumfounded). I dunno whether it is or it 
ain't. I know I've got my dinner to get and half the 
house to clean and here you are jest getting up. 

Tony. Yes, that's a fact. I'm a little late this 
morning. 

Mrs. B. 'Pears to me you're a little late every 
morning. 

Rosa Bella (comes hettceeii them). Now, maw! 

Mrs. B. Don't you "now maw!" me! {Crosses to 
door at L.) I got to see to my dinner. Rosa Bella, 
you'd better come and help me. 

Rosa Bella. All right. In a minute. 

Mrs. B. Remember what I told you, if you don't 
want us all to end our days in the poor-house. {Exits 
L.) 



44 AN EARLY BIRD 

Tony. Poor-house. Where have I heard that name 
before? I've been working this hfe-insurance gag for 
tlircc months now and I've earned just seven dollars and 
fifty cents. 

Rosa Bella {coyly). Now, Mr. Kilbuck, you mustn't 
get discouraged. What you need is a home of your 
own and a wife. 

Tony {on sofa at L.). I'm afraid seven dollars and 
fifty cents wouldn't keep a wife very long in this town. 

Rosa Bella. We girls are getting up a little picnic 
down to the Spring for the Fourth of July. Tliat'll be 
Friday. I don't suppose you'd cai-e to go, would you, 
Mr. Kilbuck.? 

Tony. I don't think I'll be here by Friday. I am 
sure I have exhausted all the insurance opportunities in 
Flagg Corners and must be on my way. 

Rosa Bella. Why don't you take up some other 
line of business.? 

Tony. I think the only thing that would pay 
around here is a good live undertaker. 

Rosa Bella. Maybe Mr. Bird could get you a job. 

Tony. Nothing doing. I've met Mr. Bird and I 
don't like the color of his neckties. I never could work 
for a man who wears a red and purple necktie. 

Rosa Bella. Yet he's a real nice man. 

Tony. And the riclicst man in Flagg County. I've 
heard tliat nine thousand times since I had the honor 
of meeting the gentleman. By the way, IMiss Beavers, 
I wonder if I could persuade the effervescent Dilly to 
get me a cup of coffee.? 

Rosa Bella. You poor boy! You ain't had a bite 
to eat, have 3^ou.? I'll get you the coffee myself. 

Tony. Awfully kind of you, I'm sure. You've been 
the proverbial friend in need to me, Miss Beavers. 



AN EARLY BIRD 45 

Rosa Bella. Them that hkes me calls me Rosa 
Enter Dilly from L. 

DiLLY. Excuse me for buttin' in, as they say, but 
your maw wants you in the kitchen right away. 

Rosa Bella. Very well, Dilly. Come along, Mr. 
Kilbuck, I'll see if I can get you a bite to eat. {Exits 
L. with Tony.) 

Dilly (looking after her and mimicing her voice). 
"Come along, Mr. Kilbuck, and I'll see if I can get you 
a bite to eat." Stuck-up thing. If she gits him any- 
thing to eat I'll bet a doughnut it'll pizen him. {Loud 
knock heard off stage at C.) Somebody's at our front 
door. {Looks out of window.) A man and a woman 
and they come in an automobeel. {Crosses to C. D. and 
exits.) 

After a slight pause re-enter Dilly, C. D., followed 
by Mr. and Mrs. Perry Allen. 

Perry. We'd like to get dinner here for three. 

Dilly. ' Three .^ 

Mrs. a. Yes, we're expecting a young lady on the 
morning bus. I suppose Ave can wait here until it comes. 

Dilly. Y^es'm. I suppose you kin. I'll tell Mis' 
Beavers. {Exits L.) 

Perry. The old lady generally has pretty good 
meals. 

JMrs. a. Isn't it strange. Perry, there isn't a hotel 
in town.-^ 

Perry. Forty houses, two stores and a meeting- 
house don't make a town. Kit, they only make a Flagg 
Corners. 

Mrs. a. Do you suppose you can get some gaso- 
line here? 



46 AN EARLY BIRD 



Perry. Oh, sure. You can get anything from a 
monkey-wrench to a Manhattan cocktail. 

Enter Mrs B. from L., wiping hands on her apron. 

Mrs. B. Good moriiing. 

Perry. Good morning, Mrs. Beavers. Can you ac- 
commodate three more for dinner.'' 

Mrs. B. I reckon I can. Did you register.'^ 

Perry. Not yet. 

INIrs. B. (goes to desk). Jest sign here. 

Perry (sig7is register). 

]Mrs. a. {down L.). I wonder if the morning bus 
will be on time.'' 

]Mrs. B. (at C.). It's gincrally a little late. Are you 
looking fer some one in on the bus.'' 

Mrs. a. Yes. 

Perry (comes down li. Mrs. B. goes 7ip, puts on 
glasses and reads the register). We'd like to rest here 
until the bus comes. 

JMrs. B. Very well, Mr. Allen, but that'll be extry. 

INIrs. A. I know I must look a fright. (To Mrs. 
B.) We drove in over the North Road. 

Mrs. B. Did you come fur.^* 

Perry. Eighteen miles in two hours and ten min- 
utes. 

Mrs. a. And the road Avas awful. 

]Mrs. B. Well, it won't be long before we get a rail- 
road of our own. The P. D. Q. is going to build an 
extension right across the county. 

Perry. Are they going up the North Road or 
along the River Road? 

INI us. B. Nobody knows fer certain, but I've heard 
]Mr. Bird say the North Road would be the straightest. 

Perry. Well, I suppose Mr. Bird ought to know. 



AN EARLY BIRD 47 

Mrs. B. Yes. He rooms here and Is quite a friend 
of the family. He's the richest man in Flagg County. 

Mrs. a. Could you show me to my room, Mrs. 
Beavers ? 

Mrs. B. Yes, ma'am. But it will be extry. Walk 
this way. (Waddles out C. D.) 

Mrs. a. (laug-hs). I don't think I can walk that 
way, but I'll try. {Imitates her and exits C. D. laiigh- 

°'' Enter Tony from L. 

Perry {recognizing him). Tony Kilbuck! 

Tony. Perry Allen! {They shake hands warmly.) 

Perry. I didn't know you were in this neck of the 
woods. I thought you were still dazzling the faculty 
at college, 

Tony. Not me. I'm a regular business man now. 

Perry. What you doing .f^ 

Tony. Selling life insurance. By the way, can't 
we do a little business? {Oratorically.) I represent the 
greatest, grandest, safest, soundest company — 

Perry. No use, Tony. I'm all insured and so is 
Kit. 

Tony. What are you doing here in Flagg Corners.? 

Perry. Kit and I drove over this morning to meet 
— {suddenly). By Jove! Who do you think is coming 
in on the bus? 

Tony. {Insert the name of some prominent citizen of 
the town in which the play is given.) 

Perry. No. Jessamine Lee. You remember Jes- 
samine, don't you? 

Tony. Jessamine coming here? 

Perry. Yep. Be in this morning. Coming for a 
week end with Kit. Our place is about eighteen miles 
up the North Road. Come and join the merry party. 



48 AN EARLY BIRD 

Tony. I can't Perry. I can't neglect my business. 

Perey. You must be awful busy. You and Jessa- 
mine used to be real chummy, didn't you.^ 

Tony. That's just it, Perry. She's the only girl 
I ever saw who'd tempt me to buy a double ticket to 
Niagara Falls. 

Perry. Then why won't you join us.^^ 

Tony. I'll tell you. . Tliey tied the can onto me 
good and hard at college, and I had an awful row witli 
the governor and told him I wouldn't come back until 
I had made good. And Jessamine {pause), well, she 
thinks I am making good. 

Perry. But aren't you? 

Tony (hastily). Oh, yes, of course. But not quite 
as good as she thinks I am. I'm going up to Yellville 
tonight. I've got a hunch that they're just pining for 
life insurance up at Yellville and I want to be Johnny 
on the spot. 

Perry. I understand your father is going to build 
an extension of the road up this way. 

Tony. Is he.? 

Perry. Folks say it will go straight across the 
county. Why don't you buy up some of the land around 
here and then sell it back to your father.? 

Tony. Buy some land.? That's good. What would 
I buy it with.? Sand.? 

Perry. It would be a good investment. Do you 
know this man Bird.? 

Tony. Barnaby Bird, the ricliest man in Flagg 
County. That's tlie first lesson I learned as soon as I 
hit this town. That's all they talk about here. 

Perry. He owns nearly all the land around here, 
doesn't he.? 

Tony. Yes, and everything else. 



AN EARLY BIRD 49 

Perry. The rumor is that the road will be built 
along the old North Road that runs right by my place. 

Tony. That'll be a good thing for you. 

Perry. It will (pause) not. I'll let you into some- 
thing, Tony. {Comes close to him and speaks confiden- 
tlcMy.) The P. D. Q. Extension isn't going over the 
North Road. 

Tony. It isn't.? How do you know? 

Perry. Last week Kit and I Avcre taking a mid- 
night, moonlight ride over the River Road, and what 
do you think we saw.'' 

Tony. What .? 

Perry. A bunch of the P. D. Q. surveyors taking 
the lay of the land. 

Tony. Are you sure.'' 

Perry. You bet I am. Freddy Remson was in 
charge of the gang. 

Tony. Then why don't you buy up some of the 
River land.? 

Perry. For the same reason you don't. Lack of 
ready cash. 

Tony. How long is Jessamine going to be out to 
3^our place.'' 

Perry. Over the Fourth. Come on, Ton3% be a 
sport, come on out. 

Tony. I'd like to. Perry, but I won't. Jessamine 
thinks I'm earning a couple of thousand a month. If 
she sees me the gag is all off. 

Perry. Don't say anything about the River Road. 
The landlady just told me that Bird thinks the exten- 
sion is going over the North Road. He's such a wise 
old bird, it'll do him good to get fooled. 

Enter Mrs. A. from C. D. 



50 AN EARLY BIRD 



Mks. a. Let's take a walk and see what the village 
looks like, Perry. {Sees Tony.) Why, Toii}^ Kilbuck, 
where on earth did you drop from? 

Tony. From the sky in my flying-macliinc. Just 
took a drop to get a good view of Flagg Comers. 

Mrs. a. Believe me, it's some view. I'll bet yon 
knew Jessamine Lee was coming in this morning. 

Tony. No, I declare I didn't. 

Perky. I've been trying to get Tony to come out 
to the place, but he can't sec it that way. 

Mrs. A. Why not? 

Tony. Oh, haven't got time. I'm a regular busi- 
ness man, you know. 

]Mrs. a. (looks at her nritch). She ought to be here 
now. Let's all go out and meet the bus. 

Tony. I'm afraid I can't. Awfully busy this morn- 
Ino;, Kit. I've sot to meet the directors of the Steenth 
National Bank at eleven. 

Mrs. a. You mean the river bank. That's the only 
bank in Flagg Corners. 

Enter Barnaby Bird, C. D. 

Bird (meeting Tony, zvho is near C. E.). Ah, good 
morning, young man. 

Tony. Yes, it's a lovely morning. 

Bird (looking at Perry and Mrs. A., zclio are dozen 
/?.). Friends of your'n, young man? 

Tony. Yes. 

Bird (coming to Perry). It's Mr. Allen, ain't it? 
(Extends hand.) 

Perry. Yes. 

BiKi), I'm ]\Ir. Bird. Mr. Barnaby Bird. You've 
lieard of me, I reckon? 

Pkrry, I reckon. (Crosses hiin and goes to C. E. 



AN EARLY BIRD 51 

with Mrs. A.). Come on, Tony, let's get out In the sun- 
shine, (Exits C. D. with Mrs. A., followed hy Tony.) 
Bird. Insulting young puppy ! Wonder why he 
didn't Interduce me to the girl. Maybe he thinks I 
hain't good enough fer 'em, and me the richest man in 
Flagg County. 

Enter ]\[rs. B. from L. 

]Mrs. B. {effusively). Ah, good morning, jNIr. Bird. 

Bird (looks at her and grunts). 

]Mrs. B. We're goln' to have some extrys fer din- 
ner today. Mr. Perry Allen and his wife. Do you 
know 'em? 

Bird. Yes. Stuck-up young fool who bought the 
Deems place up the North Road. Trying to be a gen- 
tleman farmer, he says. Humph ! Got about as much 
sense as a last year's bird's nest. Where's Rosa Bella .f" 

]\Irs. B. • Out in the kitchen helping me. Oh, Mr. 
Bird, she's such a domestic little thing. I don't know 
hoAv I kin do without her when she leaves me. 

Bird. What's she goin' to leave you icr? 
. Mrs. B. Oh, I can't expect to keep her forever, INIr. 
Bird. Tlie young men simply won't give her a minute's 
peace. 

Bird. Tell her to come here. I want to see her. 

Mrs. B. (tearfully). Oh, i\Ir. Bird, you ain't goin' 
to take my little girl away from me, are you.'^ 

Bird. Well, I ain't goin' to kidnap her. I reckon 
Rosa Bella's old enough to take care of herself. 

Mrs. B. Yes, but she's all I have, Mr. Bird. 

Bird (impatiently). All right, all right. 

]Mrs. B. And there ain't a better girl In Flagg 
County. (Crosses to door at L., turns.) And she's so do- 
mestic. She'd make a lovely wife. (Exits L.) 



52 AN EARLY BIRD 

Bird (picks up newspaper, sits at R. C. and reads). 
"It is with great pleasui'e that we announce the M'el- 
come tidings that the P. D. Q. Railroad is soon to begin 
operations in our midst. They ain't come out officially 
and said so as yet, but it is understood well enough 
to make the land owners in this vicinity very anxious 
to learn whether the Extension is going up the North 
Road or up the RiA^er Road. Whatever the outcome 
may be, we are glad to welcome the railroad in our 
midst." (Speaks.) The North Road or the River 
Road, that's the question, hay.^ Well, I don't give a 
continental which way they build the road, 'cause I own 
all the land either way they take it. (Goes to H. and 
sits on sofa.) 

Enter Rosa Bella from L. 

Rosa Bella. Maw said you wanted to see me, Mr. 
Bird. 

BiKD. Yes, I do, Rosa Bella. Set down. I want to 
have a little talk with you. 

Rosa Bella (sits at L.) What can a great big man 
like you want to say to a little innocent girl like me? 

Bird. I want to ask you about this young whipper- 
snapper who rooms here. 

Rosa Bella (surprised). You mean iNIr. Kilbuck.? 

Bird. Yes, that's what he calls himself. Do you 
know anything about him.? 

Rosa Bella. Nothing very much. He's a jierfcct 
gentleman and has the loveliest nose — 

Bird. I ain't inquiring about his nose. What I want 
to know is about his business. 

Rosa Bella. He's in the life insurance business. 

Bird. I know that's what he says, but he ain't sold 
any insurance in this town and I'm beginning to think 
he's here in disguise. 



AN EARLY BIRD 53 

Rosa Bella. What would he be in disguise for? 

Bird. That's just what I'm going to find out. 
Maybe he's an agent for the P. D. Q. Railroad. 

Rosa Bella. He never gets no letters from nobody. 
And he never writes none neither. I asked down at the 
postoffice. 

Bird. You seem to take an awful interest in him, 
Rosa Bella. 

Rosa Bella. You better put it the other way 
'round. He takes an awful interest in me. 

Bird. He ain't sparking you, is he.'' 

Rosa Bella. What do you want to know for? 
(Pause.) Huh? (Pause.) You wouldn't care if he 
was. (Pause, xcaiting for him to speak, hut he coughs 
and looks away.) Now, would you? 

Bird. Yes, I would. I take a lot of interest in you, 
Rosa Bella, and I wouldn't want you to fall in love with 
somebody that nobody knows anything about. 

Rosa Bella. Well, I got to fall in love with some- 
body, ain't I? 

Bird (rises and comes to her). I ain't going to have 
no stranger come down here and cut us all out. (Clears 
his throat.) Rosa Bella, I'm tlic richest man in Flagg 
County — 

Rosa Bella. Yes, I heard so. 

Bird. And I ain't as young as I used to be, now 
am I? 

Rosa Bella. Oh, ^^ou ain't old at all, IMr. Bird. 
You're just right. 

Bird. Now, I've been figgerin' this thing out fer 
some time and at last I've decided to ask you — 

Enter Dilly from I.. 

DiLLY. Tl;c bus is driving in, Rosa Bella. I'm go- 



54 AN EARLY BIRD 

iiif^ over to see if there's any traveling men on board. 
(Ea:its C. D.) 

Rosa Bella. What were you going to say, Mr. 
Bird? 

Bird. Don't call me INIr. Bird, Rosa Bella. Call me 
Barnaby. 

Rosa Bella. Oh, I never would darst to call you 
so familiar like. 

Bird. You know I'm a rich man, Rosa Bella, and 
when the P. D. Q. extension is built I reckon I'll be the 
richest man in this part of the state. Then I'm going 
into politics and git elected to the legislature. 

Rosa Bella. Oh, that'll be just grand. 

Bird. But what I need most of all is a little — 

Enter Mrs. B. from L. 

Mrs. B. Excuse me. I've got to go and see if 
there's anyone on the bus Avho wants dinner. (Exits 
C. D.) 

Bird. I never see such a place for interruptions. 

Rosa Bella, Let's walk over and see the bus come 
in. (Gets her hat.) 

Bird (rises). Well, maybe I can git a chance out 
there. 

Rosa Bella. It's such a lovely morning. Real 
cool for July. 

Bird, Cool? I'm burning up. Come on! (Exeunt 

>* Enter Tony and Perry from L. 

Perry. What a coward you are, Tony. Sneakin 
in the back way. 

Tony. I'm not a coward. I'm just cautious. 

Perry. Aren't you going to see Jessamine at all? 

Tony, I can't. Perry, She thinks I'm in Chicago 
earning ten thousand a year. 



i 



AN EARLY BIRD 55 

Perry. Why don't you tell her the truth? 

Tony. Tell her that I'm a failure? I can't do it. 
You go out and meet her and I'll hide in my room until 
after dinner. 

Enter Mrs. A. and Jessamine, C. D. 

Jessamine (seeing Tony, zcho is down R., just about 
to enter door R.). Tony! 

Tony (goes up C, takes both her hands). Jessamine ! 
Well, this is a surprise. 

Jessamine. I thought you were in Chicago. 

Tony. Oh, no. I was in Chicago, but I just dropped 
into Flagg Corners. Business, my dear. Business. 

]\Irs. a. Come on, Perry, let's go and take a look 
at the carburetor. 

Perry. But, Kit — 

]\Irs. a. I'm sure it needs your attention. Hurry ! 
(Exits CD.) 

Perry (looks at Tony and Jessamine, who are 
busily talking at R. C. and payi7ig no attention to 
him). I guess you're right. I'd better go and look 
at the carburetor. (Exit C. D.) 

Jessamine. Now, Tony Kilbuck, what does this 
mean ? 

Tony. What does what mean? 

Jessamine. You're being here. And I haven't heard 
from you for days. I suppose you're engaged to some- 
one else by tliis time. 

Tony. Now, Jessamine — 

Jessamine. Don't you Jessamine me ! I want an 
explanation. 

Tony. Well, I '11 tell you the truth. 

Jessamine. That's just what I want. Tell me cA^ery- 
thing. 



56 AN EARLY BIRD 



Tony. I'm not a successful business man in Chicago, 
Jessamine. I'm not a successful business man any place. 
I'm a failure. The governor was right, and that darned 
play was all wrong. It isn't in me, that's all. I've 
been trying to peddle life insurance and I can't even 
do that. I'm a failure, Jess — a failure ! 

Jessamine. Tony ! 

Tony. I stand by and see other men succeed who 
haven't got any more sense than I have. There's a man 
here named Bird, the richest man in Flagg County — 
and he's a dazzling success. I have no right to ask you 
to marry me. I have no right to ask an^^one anything. 
Why, I can't even support myself. 

Jessamine. Tony Kilbuck, how dare you.'' 

Tony (puzzled). How dare I what? 

Jessamine. How dare you insult the man I love? 

Tony. Jess ! 

Jessamine. I mean it. You've been handicapped by 
having things too easy for you from the very start. 
You thought all you had to do was to whistle and the 
little bird Success would drop into your hand. 

Tony. That's right. That's just what I thought. 
But I know better now. The little bird Success has got 
to be coaxed. 

Jessamine. And the only way to coax it is by good, 
hard work. Now we're going to work together. 

Tony. You're not going to throw me over? 

Jessamine. Throw you over? (Comes closer to him, 
takes his hand.) Wliy, boy, I believe in you. I believe 
in you, even if you don't believe in yourself. I know 
you can win. You're the son of your fatlier. The 
son of the ])rcsidcnt of tlic P. D. Q. Railroad, the son 
of Cyrus B. Kilbuck, and you're going to win ! You're 
going to win ! You're going to win ! 



i 



AN EARLY BIRD 57 

Tony {throivs up head and speaks with determina- 
tion). You're right, Jessamine, I'm going to Avin ! 

Jessamine. You must go into some other business 
right away. Have you thought of anything? 

Tony. If I only had a little mone}?^ I might buy 
some land around here. The road is going to build an 
extension riglit across the count3\ 

Jessamine. How much do you need? 

Tony. Oh, it's out of the question. It would take 
three or four thousand dollars. 

Jessamine. It would. {Turns, goes to desk, takes 
check book from purse, deliberately zcrites check and 
signs it.) 

Tony. What are you doing? 

Jessamine. I'm going to lend you five thousand 
dollars. 

Tony. Oh, no — I couldn't — 

Jessamine. It's a business proposition. You've g^t 
to pay me six per cent. 

Tony. But I can't give you any security. 

Jessamine (holds up third finger of her left hand, 
showing solitaire). See that ring? 

Tony. Our engagement ring. 

Jessamine. That's my security. Here's your check, 
Mr. Kilbuck. 

Tony. Miss Lee, I thank you. {Bows.) 

Jessamine. Don't mention it. {Bows.) 

Tony {eagerly). You see it's this way. All the 
hicks around here know the extension is going to be 
built, but there are two roads, the North Road and 
the River Road. They think the extension is coming 
over the North Road. 

Jessamine. And isn't it? 

Tony. Not on your life. It's coming in over the 



58 AN EARLY BIRD 



River Road. I've got inside information. Now I'll 
buy up that River Road land for a song, hold it and 
then sell it to father for half a million. Oh, it's a great 
scheme. 

Jessamine. Tony, you're a wonder. 

Enter Perry and Mrs. A., C. D. 

Perry. Can we come m? 

Tony. Oh, yes. Awfully glad to see 3"ou. (Down 
N.) 

Mrs. a. Now perhaps you'll reconsider and accept 
my invitation out to the house, {Joining Tony and 
Jessamine dozvn R.) 

Tony. That's just what I was going to ask you. 

We'll stay a month. We've just been getting engaged 

over again. 7- ^ t^ /• ^ n 

" Lntcr DiLLY from C. D. 

DiLLY. Dinner'll be ready in about fifteen minutes. 
{Exit L.) 

Jessamine. I must look a perfect fright. 

Mrs. a. Come with me. My things are in the little 
room over at the side of the house. {Exit C. D., fol- 
loxc'cd hy Jessamine.) 

Tony. Perry, are you sure about that dope on the 
River Road.P 

Perry. Dead sure. I wish I had three or four 
thousand lying around loose. I'd make a fortune. 

Tony {at R. door). Come on in my room. I want 
to talk to you about it. {Exit /?., foUozccd hy Perry.) 

Enter from C. D., ]Mrs. B., follozced hy Bruce. 

Mrs. B. Come iti and set down. I'll see if I can 
find Mr. Bird for you. You wouldn't want to stay i\v 
dinner, would you.^ 



AN EARLY BIRD 59 

Bruce, No, it's impossible. I've got to ride over 
to the junction and catch the noon train for the city. 
It's very important that I see Mr. Bird at once. There 
isn't a minute to spare. 

]Mks. B. Well, I'll see if I can see him down town. 
{Emts C. D.) 

Enter Dilly from L. 

DiLXY. Dinner'll be ready in about fifteen minutes. 

Bruce. I'm not going to be here for dinner. 

DiLLY. Oh, hain't you.? We're going to have pie. 
You'd better stay. Hain't no other boarding house in 
town. 

Bruce. No, I can't stay. 

DiLLY. Well, if you don't you've got only yourself 

to thank. That's all. {Exit L.) 

Enter Bird, C. D. 

Bird. You looking for me, young man? I'm Bar- 
naby Bird. 

Bruce {shakes hands with him). My name is Fer- 
guson, Mr. Bird. Bruce Ferguson. I am a clerk in 
the P. D. Q. general offices. 

Bird. Yes, yes. I got your letter. What you want 
with me? What you want Avith me? 

Bruce. I understand you own some land around 
here, Mr. Bird. 

Bird. Well, what about it, what about it? 

Bruce. And if the P. D. Q. extension runs across 
your land it will naturally make it more valuable. 

Bird. Well, I know that. Are you here in the in- 
terest of the road? 

Bruce. Not at all. I'm here in my own interest. 
Now, I know just exactly where the extension is going. 

Bird. You do? Well, where is it going? 



60 AN EARLY BIRD 



Bruce. How much will you pay for the informa- 
tion ? 

Bird. Humph! (Looks at him a moment, pauses, 
then:) You ain't such a fool as you look. How much 
you want.^ 

Bruce. The information ought to be worth about 
a thousand dollars to you. 

Bird. Go 'long, sonny, you ain't talking to me. 

Bruce. Suppose somebody comes along and buys 
up the land. They could hold it at a fancy price. 

Bird. I know that. 

Bruce. I have here the blue print drawings of the 
proposed extension. 

Bird {eugcrly). You have? Let me see them. _, 

Bruce. My price is one thousand dollars. m\ 

Bird. I won't pay it. The extension will either go 
h'j the way of the North Road or by the Kivcr Road. 
I own most of the land either way. So I don't think 
I'll worry. 

Bruce. And yet if you knew exactly and for a cer- 
tainty which May it was going, you might unload the 
other land on the innocent bystander. 

Bird. That's a good idea. You ain't sucli a fool 
after all. See here! I'll give you five hundred dollars 
to know exactly which way the extension is going. 

Bruce. It's a bargain. 

Bird. I'll pay you the money after I sell my land. 

Bruce. Nothing doing. You'll pay me right here 
and now. I've got to hurry as I must be back in town 
to-night. Come, is it a bargain.? 

Bird. Let me see them blue print tilings. 

Bruce. Certainly. 

Bird {reaches for them). 

Bruce. Just as soon as 3'ou hand me the check. 



AN EARLY BIRD 61 

Bird (sits at desk and writes check). You sure you 
got the I'ight dope? 

Bruce. Sure? Well, I reckon I am. I took all the 
notes at the directors' meeting last week. Mrs. Van 
Dyne will be down to see you tomorrow. 

Bird. Mrs. Van Dyne? 

Bruce. She's the agent for the road. She always 
buys the land for 'em. 

Bird. I remember her. I saw her the day I was at 
the office. Pretty little woman, ain't she? 

Bruce. She's one in a thousand. 

Bird (finishes writing check). Five hundred dollars! 
It's a good round sum. Now, gimme the blue print 
things. 

Bruce (looks at check). Beg pardon, IMr. Bird, 
you've forgotten to sign. 

Bird. So I did. (Takes check.) Gettin' careless in 
my old age. (Signs.) There you are. But if you play 
me a trick, young man, this check will go straight to 
Cyrus B. Kilbuck, the president of the road. 

Bruce. I'll act square with you. See (exhibits blue 
prints) this represents Flagg County. Here is the 
River Road and here is the North Road. The extension 
will enter the county at this point (points to print) 
and will cross the county right here (tracing route) and 
will branch out toward Millertown right here. 

Bird. Then it's e-oino; to follow the North Road. 

Bruce. Precisely. Right sti'aight across the county. 

Bird. But the surveyors was out looking at the River 
Road. 

Bruce. Both roads were surveyed, but the directors 
finally decided on the North Road as the straightest 
route. Now, are you satisfied? 

Bird. I reckon I am. If they take the North Road 



62 AN EARLY BIRD 

my fortune is made 'cause I own all the land from here 
to liere. (Points.) 

Bruce (rolls up blue prints). Look out for Mrs. 
Van Dyne. She'll try to get tlie land as cheap as she 
can. 

Bird. Leave that to me. I might be a Bird, but I 
ain't no mark. Fifty thousand is my price and I won't 
drop a penny. 

Bruce. That's right. (Rises.) Glad I met you, 
Mr. Bird. (Shakes hands.) 

Bird. When did you say this Van Dyne lady was 
coming.'* 

Bruce. She'll be here tomorrow or the next day. 
They're going to start operations at once. (Gives blue 
prints to Bird.) 

Bird. You'd better stay to dinner. 

Bruce. Much oWiged, but I got to be back in town 
to-night. I'm going to drive over to the Junction and 
catch the noon train. Good morning. 

Bird. INIorning. 

Bruce (at C. door). Remember, mum's the word. 
(Exit C. D.) 

Bird. The North Road, hey.'^ And I own the right 
of way clean across the county. Dilly ! ^(Puts blue 
prints on table.) 

Dilly sticks her head in at L. 

Dilly. Huh.? 

Bird. How long before dinner is ready.? 
Dilly. In about fifteen minutes, INIr. Bird. We're 
a-goin' to have pie. (Exit L.) 

Enter Tony and Perry fj-om H. 

Tony. INIr. Bird, I'd like a word with you. 
Bird. Go as fur as you like. 



AN EARLY BIRD 63 

Tony. You own the land on cither side of the River 
Road, don't you? 

Bird. Most of it. Why? 

Tony. I was thinking of buying a httle land, that's 
all. 

Bird. How niucli you want? 

Tony. Just a strip across the county on either side 
of the road. 

Bird. What you going to do with it? Start a land- 
scape garden? 

Tony. No, I'm going to plant catalpa trees. 

Bird. I dunno's I want to sell that land. Y'^ou see 
the P. D. Q. Extension might go down the River Road. 

Tony. Oh, no ; not a chance in the world. They're 
going by the North Road, It's straighter. 

Bird. How do you know? 

Tony. I don't know. But is your River Road land 
for sale ? 

Bird. Anything I got is fer sale, young man. I'd 
jest as soon sell to you as to the railroad. 

Tony. The land is not worth very much, is it? 

Bird. I wouldn't take a cent less'n twenty-five hun- 
dred. 

Tony. Have you got a clear title? 

Bird. Clear? Well, I reckon I have. Come over to 
tlie County Office and look it up if you want to. 

Tony. That's a good idea. Get your hat, I'm in a 
hurry. 

Bird. But we can go after dinner. 

Tony. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, 
Mr. Bird. 

Bird. Oh, you think I'm a bird in the hand, do 
you? 



64 AN EARLY BIRD 



Tony. I always like to strike while the iron is hot. 
Come on. 

Bird. I'll go ye. (All start toxvard C. D.) Yon 
sure it's the River Road you want, are you.'' 

Tony. Yes, that's it. A strip clear across the 
county. 

Bird. Then I'm your man. Come on. (Exits C. D.) 

Tony (shakes hands xvith Perry). It's all right. 
Perry. It's all right. I've caught the bird. I'm a 
regular business man at last. (Exit C. D. followed hy 

Enter Mrs. B. from L. 

Mrs. B. (speaking- toward L. as she enters). Now, 
you hurry up and set the table, Dilly. These city folks 
want everything right on time. 

DiLLY' (outside). Yes'm. It'll be ready in about 
fifteen minutes. 

]Mrs. B. (looks around). I wonder where every- 

Enter Rosa Bella from C. D. 

Rosa Bella. Where's Mr. Bird, maw.'* 

Mrs. B. He was in here jest a minute ago. Did 
you have a pleasant walk, Rosa Bella.'' 

Rosa Bella. Oh, kind o'. 

]Mrs. B. How fur did he git.f* 

Rosa Bella. He said he was rich and that he needed 
a wife. 

Mrs. B. Is that all.? 

Rosa Bella. That's all. Jest as he said that he 
was trying to look into my eyes and he stepped in a 
big mud puddle in front of the Postoffice, and nearly 
lost his balance. Then he got mad and shut up. 

Mrs. B. Oh, ain't men the most exasperating critters 
on earth? Talk about nudes and setting hens! 



AN EARLY BIRD 65 

Rosa Bella. I told him I was real domestic. 

Mrs. B. That's right, and go strong- on economy, 
too. There ain't nothin' pleases a man as much as 
economy. 

Enter Mrs. A. and Jessamine from C. D. 

Mrs. a. Shall we wait in here.f^ 

Mrs. B. Yes, set down. This is my daughter, Rosa 
Bella. Dilly ! 

DiLLY (sticks her head in at L.). Ma'am? 

Mrs. B. How long before dinner'll be ready.'' 

Dilly. In about fifteen minutes. {Exit L.) 

Mrs. B. I have to see to the cabbage. Excuse me ! 
(Exit L.) 

Jessamine. What's happened to the men? 

Mrs. a. (goes to door K. and raps). Perry! Oh, 
Perry ! 

Rosa Bella. I think they've gone down town to 
look at the diiig store. This is a dry town, you know, 
and the men folks are always looking in at the drug 
store. (To Jessamine.) My, that's a awful pretty 
dress you got on. 

Jessamine (distantly). Thank you. 

Rosa Bella. I'm jest getting some new things made 
and I think I'll have two or three made after that pat- 
tern. The goods is real tasty, too. Must have cost 
as much as forty cents a yard. It don't set very good 
in front, though. 

Mrs. a. (indignantly). Indeed it does. Jessamine; 
it's a dream. 

Rosa Bella. Oh, it might look right to some folks, 
but I got a awful keen eye for the setting of a dress. 

Enter Mrs. B. from L. 



66 AN EARLY BIRD 

Mrs. B. DInner'll be ready in about fifteen minutes. 
Jest make yourselves to home. Rosa Bella will amuse 
you. {Exit L.) 

Enter Tony and Perry from C. D. 

Tony (crossing to Jessamine and Mrs. A. dozen R.). 
Congratulate me, girls, I have just finished a big busi- 
ness deal. At last I'm going to make things hum. 

Jessamine. Oh, I'm so glad. {Tluy converse in 
pantomime.) 

Perry (at R. C.) Tony has just bought the River 
Road strip. 

Mrs. a. He has? Good boy. That strip is worth 
half a million. 

Rosa Bella {at L. C, to Perry). Say, what's be- 
come of ]Mr. Bird.^ 

Perry. He isn't coming back for dinner. He's con- 
tent with tlie drug store. 

Rosa Bella. I guess I won't wait no longer. 
{Exits L.) 

Mrs. a. I'm nearly starved. The hired girl has been 
saying dinner would be ready in fifteen minutes for the 
past two hours. 

Enter Mrs. B. from L. 

]\Irs. B. Come in to dinner. {Exit L.) 
Mrs. a. Come on, Jessamine, I can't wait another 
minute. {Exit with Jessamine, followed closely by 
Perry.) 

Tony {at table). I can't eat, I can't drink, I can't 
think — I'm too excited. I own every inch of the River 
Road and I'll make the Governor shell out half a million 
for it. I'll show him wlio's a business man ! I'll bet in 
ten years I'll have more money than he has. I'll buy 
the controllina: interest in the Road and move to New 



AN EARLY BIRD 67 

York. I'll — {sees the blue print. Plaintive music). 
What's this? The Surveyors' Plan of the P. D. Q. 
Extension. It crosses the county from here to here. 
(Points.) It's the North Road. I'm ruined, ruined! 
(Puts blue print in inside pocket. Noise and laughter 
from dining room at L. He crosses and looks at them 
through door. Pause.) Oh, there must be some mis- 
take, or it's a horrible dream. (Takes out print again, 
looks at it.) No, there it is in black and white. Gee, 
this is tough, old kid, this is tough! (Sinks in chair, 
staring straight before him. Pause.) Old Bird was too 
cute for me. (Sadly and slowly.) And — now — I've — 
got to — begin all over again ! Just when I thought 
I'd coaxed the bird into my hand, I find he's farther 
away than ever. Tough luck, old kid, tough luck ! 
(Sobs.) 

Curtain Very Slow. 



AN EARLY BIRD 

The Third Act. 

Scene: Same as Act II. Furniture, etc., as in 
Act 11. 

Time: About 1:00 p. m. 

Light : On full throughout the act. 

No music at rise. 

Enter Perry, Mrs. A., Jessamine and Tony from L. 

Mrs. a. {sitting on sofa doxvn L.) Perry, I was 
ashamed of you at the table. You ate six roasting ears. 

Perry (sitting beside her). Sure, I did. Mrs. 
Beavers' roasting ears were worth eating. And the 
string beans, right off the vines. 

Jessamine (down R. with Tony). Vines? String 
beans don't grow on vines. Perry. I thought you were 
a farmer. 

Perry. What do they grow on, Miss Encyclopedia.'' 

Jessamine. They grow on bushes, of course. (Oth- 
ers laugh.) Don't they, Tony.-* 

Tony. Sure, they do. And sometimes the bushes 
grow as big as trees, especially in Kansas. 

Jessamine. Tony ! 

Mrs. a. And I never saw such a teeny, weeny little 
dining room. It was like eating in a touring-car. 

Perry. More like a knich wagon in the c\ty. Re- 
member the old lunch wagon at college, Tony.f* 

Tony. Sure. Wasn't much room in there, was there? 

Perry. The nn'nute you opened tlie door you'd beg 
everybody's pardon, and everybody'd beg yours. Then 

68 



AN EARLY BIRD 69 

you'd go inside and stand on everybody's feet but your 
own, and you'd finish up by treading on your own toes 
and begging your own pardon. 

Tony. That was a great old wagon, Perry. I won- 
der if Old George still runs it. 

Perry. The last time I was in there there was such 
a crowd that the man next to me said, "Excuse me, 
but will you please take your face out of my face.'^" 
I hadn't missed my face until he called my attention to 
it. He had the most open countenance of any man I 
have ever seen — it was wide open. He was filling it 
with blackberry pie. But he couldn't swallow it in there. 
There wasn't room enough. Anything with a crust on, 
you'd chew it up, fill your face, and swallow it when 
you got home. {All laugh.) 

Mrs. B. appears at door L., unobserved. 

Mrs. a. Oh, Perry ! 

Perry. I didn't dare turn my head for fear I'd bite 
into someone else's lunch. The man next to me was 
eating his own necktie and didn't know it. 

INIrs. B. (comes down C, and speaks to Perry). I'd 
have you understand, sir, that although my dining roojn 
is small, it is amply sufficient for the occasion, and if 
you don't like it you can leave. 

Perry (rises). But, Mrs. Beavers, I wasn't talking 
about your dining room at all. I was telling about a 
lunch wagon at college. 

]\Irs. B. Lunch wagon .^ Humph! I ain't as green 
as I look, young man. I never heard tell of a lunch 
wagon. 

]Mrs. a. (rises). Come on, Jessamine, let's take a 
look at the garden. (Goes to C. D.) 



70 AN EARLY BIRD 



1 



Mrs. B. Maybe if you're ^oing to be here for supper 
I can serve you out in the 3'ard. 

Perry. Oh, no. I don't think we'll be here for sup 
per. Awfully good of you, just the same. {Takes out 
cigar.) You don't object to smoking, do you, INIrs. 
BeaA'ers.'^ 

Mrs. B. I can't say as I do, but smoking in the 
house'll be extry. {Exits L.) 

Jessamine {at door C. with INIrs. A.). Don't you 
want to see the garden, Tony.? 

Tony. We'll join you in a minute. {Exeunt Jessa- 
mine and Mrs. A., C. D.) 

Perry. Just as soon as it gets a little cooler we'll 
start for the shack. 

Tony {seated down R.). I don't think I can go. 
Perry. 

Perry {goes to him). Say, what's the matter with 
you.'' Why so glum? You look as if you'd lost your 
last friend on earth instead of just happening to run 
across your fiancee. What's wrong.'' 

Tony. It's my luck. Perry. ]My usual streak of 
blue Monday luck. 

Perry. Luck? I call it good luck. Here you meet 
Jessamine and you pull off a big business deal all in 
the same morning, and then you kick about your luck. 

Tony {sarcastically). Yes, that was a great business 
deal, that was. 

Perry. What do you want, the earth? You bought 
the River Road, didn't 3'ou ? 

Tony. Oh, yes, I bought it, all right. 

Perry. Well, it's yours. You can ask them any 
price you want. 

Tony. What'll I do with it now I've got it? 



AN EARLY BIRD 71 

Perry. Sell It. Sell it to the P. D. Q. road for half 
a million. 

Tony. Nothing doing, Perry. I've been stung again. 

Perry. Stung? 

Tony {rises, crosses to table, picks up blue print). 
Look here. 

Perry {looks over his shoulder). That's a blue print 
of the North Road. 

Tony. And that's where they're going to build the 
railroad. M}^ River Road isn't worth a penny. 

Perry. Oh, there must be some mistake. 

Tony {points to corner of blue print). Look there. 
Do you know what that is.-^ 

Perry. Looks like a Chinese war-poem to me. 

Tony. That's the Governor's signature of approval. 
That little mark means that the directors of the P. D. Q. 
Railroad have decided that the extension is to be built 
over the North Road, that little mark means that my 
River Road property isn't worth a continental, that 
little mark means that I am a little mark, too, it means 
that I'm a rotten business man, it means that I'll have 
to begin all over, Perry. It means that I'm a failure. 

Perry. I have an idea. 
■ Tony. You're just full of ideas, aren't you? 

Perry. See this man Bird and sell him the River 
Road back again. 

Tony. This man Bird knew just exactly which way 
the Extension was going when he sold me that property. 
He played me for a sucker, and won the game. He's 
got my money and I {bitterly), I've got the River Road. 

Perry. Maybe you could persuade your father to 
change his plans and run the extension over your land. 

Tony. Nothing doing with father. And besides, the 



72 AN EARLY BIRD 



1 



directors liave chosen the other road. These plans have 

been approved. 

Perry (takes his hand). Tough luck, old man, 

tough luck. . ) 

Jessamine appears in C. D. i 

Jessamine. Aren't you coming, Tony.^^ '^^ 

Tony. Not just yet. 

Jessamine (comes to him down R.) What's the 
matter.'^ What's happened.'^ Didn't you get the land 
you wanted.? 

Tony. Oh, yes, I got the land all right, and I got 
stung when I got it. 

Jessamine. Stung.'' 

Perry (L. of table). Tony bought the River Road 
land and now we find that the extension is going in 
over the North Road. 

Jessamine. Well, buy the North Road. 

Perry. Easier said than done. Mr. Bird owns the 
North Road. (Goes to C. D.). Where's Kit.? 

Jessamine. Under the big tree at the side of the 
house. 

Perry. I'll find her. Some of these Flagg Corner 
beaux are liable to kidnap Kit if I'm not there to pro- 
tect her. (Exit CD.). 

Jessamine. Don't worr^s Tony, It will all come out 
all right. Even if you didn't make a success of this 
deal, there's lots of other things. 

Tony. You're right. Jessamine. I'm going to be a 
good loser. If I got stung on the River Road I'm 
going to turn around and sting someone else. That's 
modern business. (Takes her hands.) You believe in 
me, don't you.? 

Jessamine. Believe in you, Ton}^.? Do you doubt 
me.? 



AN EARLY BIRD 73 

Tony. No, Jessamine, I don't. That's all. (Shakes 
hands with her.) Thank jou. {Goes rapidly to C. D.). 

Jessamine. What ai^ you going to do.^ 

Tony {loudly and assertively). Do? I'm going 
to show you tlie stuff that's in me ! I'm going to be a 
man ! I'm going to be a success. I'm going down town 
and do one of two things, eitlier sell the River Road and 
buy the North Road or throw Barnaby Bird in the 
river. , (Quick exit C. D.). 

Jessamine (after slight pause, speaking to audi- 
ence). And he'll do it, too. (Picks up the blue prints.) 
"Proposed plan for the extension of the P. D. Q. Rail- 
road through Flagg County. The North Road. Ac- 
cepted, Cyrus B. Kilbuck, President." (Looks up from 
reading.) And this Bird person kncAV it all the time. 
(Indignantly.) Oh, I'd like to meet him and tell him 
just what I think of him. I'd make him give us our 
money back, at any rate. 

Enter Rosa Bella from L. 

Rosa Bella. Oh, I beg pardon, I didn't know the 
parlor was occupied. 

Jessamine, Don't mind me. I was just looking over 
these papers. (Replaces blue prints on table.) 

Rosa Bella. What are they.'' 

Jessamine. Something about the railroad extension 
through this county. 

Rosa Bella, They must belong to Mr. Bird. He's 
bought up all the land around here and is going to sell 
it to the Road. He's a awful good business man, Mr. 
Bird is. 

Jessamine. Yes, I know what a good business man 
he is. I'd like to meet him. 

Rosa Bella. You would.? He's engaged to me. 



74 AN EARLY BIRD 



1 

to } 



Jessamixk. I mean on business. I'd like to talk to 
hini about tliis North Road that he owns. 

Rosa Bella. He ought to be here now. I dunno 
why he wasn't here for dinner. 

Jessamine. He seems quite an influential man here- 
abouts. 

Rosa Bella. Influential? Him? I guess he is. 
He's the richest man in Flagg County. 

Jessamine. And you're engaged to him? Congratu- 
lations. 

Rosa Bella. Well, we ain't exactly engaged as yet, 
that is, the ring ain't bought, but we've come to a pretty 
good understanding. I've decided that we're going to 
move to the city just after the wedding. Anyone can 
see that I belong in a bigger place than Flagg Corners. 

Enter Dilly from L. 

DiLiiY. Your maw wants' you ! 

Rosa Bella {to Jessamine). That's always tlie 
way. Just as soon as I git comfortable, maw wants 
me. (Crosses to door L.). I'll tell Mr. Bird that 
you'd like to speak to him. 

Jessamine. Thank you. 

Rosa Bella. On business, mind ! On business. 

Jessamine. Yes, concerning the North Road. 

Rosa Bella. Maybe he'll have time to see you this 
afternoon. 

Jessamine. I hope so. We're going away about 
sundown. 

Rosa Bella. What does maw want, Dilly? 

Dilly. Tlie dressmaker's come, and the^'^ want you 
to try-on. 

Rosa Bella. Wliere are they ? 

Dilly. Upstairs in tlie back room. 



AN EARLY BIRD 75 

Rosa Belt.a. I'll go right up. (Exit L.). 

Jessamine. Please let me know when INIr. Bird comes. 
I'll be out on the lawn. (Gives her a quarter.) 

DiLLY. What's this fur.? 

Jessamine. Just a little remembrance, that's all. 

DiLLY. But It's a hull two-bits. 

Jessamine. Yes. Get yourself a nice pink ribbon 
to match the roses in your cheeks. (Exit C. D.). 

D1LT.Y (looks at quarter). Well, I'll be dog-goned! 
She done gimme two bits. I wisht she'd eat dinner here 
every day. (Arranges table, puts chairs in place, etc.) 
If she ain't a fallen angel dropped right down out'n 
Heaven, then I never saw one. Two bits ! That'll 
almost pay my way into the circus. (Sings.) "It 
was a happy day, it was a happy day — " ( Works 
vigorously.) 

Enter Barnaby Bird from C. D. His hat is on the 
back of his head, necktie awry, and he is slightly intoxi- 
cated. He carries two quart-sized bottles supposed to 
be full of champagne. He comes in C. D. happily sing- 
ing and comes dozvn C. a little unsteadily. Note: Do 
not play this scene too broadly. Bird is simply ''hap- 
py'' and a little unsteady on his feet. Avoid any sug- 
gestion of coarseness. 

Bird (coming down C. unsteadily, singing) : 

E "Every time I come to town, 

Boys start kickin' my dawg around. 
Makes no difference if he is a hound. 
They gotta quit kickin' my dawg around." 

•DiLLY (zcho has been stooping on the other side of 
the table, picking up paper, etc., from floor, suddenly 
confronts Bmn). Well! 



76 AN EARLY BIRD 



I 



Bird (not having seen Dilly before, is much startled 
by her sudden rising from the other side of the table, 
he looks at her a moment, rises on his heels, blinks at 
her, pauses, then says calmly.) Quite well, thank you. 

DiLLY. If it ain't Mr. Bird ! 

Bird. Yes, my little DafFy-down-Dillj, it's Mr. Bird. 

DiLLY (bashful business, twisting apron, turning in 
R. toe). Now you stop making up to me. 

Bird. Never thought of such a thing, DafFy-down- 
Dilly. But I'm jusht, jusht too happy for words. 

DiLLY. You're too late for dinner. We had extrys 
and there ain't nothin' left. Heavings, how they did 
eat ! I only got two pieces of pie. 

Bird. Never mind, DafFy-down-Dilly. (Waves bot- 
tles.) What's pie.? I shay, what's pie.? 

DiLLY. Laws, Mr. Bird, I dunno what you're talk- 
ing about. Pic's pie. 

Bird. It'sh beneath our notice, DafFy-down-Dilly. 
Pie, indeed! I've got two quarts of champagne. 

DiLLY. What's champagne.? 

Bird. Champagne, my dear DafFy, is the conshen- 
trated essence of the joys and bubblings of life. And 
we're going to have some of the bubblings. Here, put 
these on the ice. 

DiLLY. It ain't spirits, is it.? 

Bird. Spirits? Banish the thought. It's joy water, 
DafFy, from the Isles of Happiness. 

DiLLY. Is it anything like ginger ale.? 

Bird. There's nothing like it. I'm shelcbrating to- 
day, DafFy. Shelcbrating. Un'erstand.? Take it out 
and put it on the ice. 

Dii.LY. Are you going to drink it all, Mr. Bird.? 
There's about a gallon of the stufF. 

Bird. I'll let you taste it. 



AN EARLY BIRD 77 

DiLLY. Me? No, sir. I'm the corresponding secre- 
tary of the Young Ladies' Cold Water Society, I am. 
And I don't drink nothin' that comes in bottles. 
{Crosses to door L.) I ain't that kind of a girl. 
(Starts to exit L.) 

Bird. Just a moment, little DafFy-down-Dilly. Come 
here. (At R. C.) 

DiLLY (coming to him slowly). What you want, 
Mr. Bird.? 

Bird. I've just had a stroke of luck today. Shold 
the River Road property for about ten times what it's 
worth and got a sure thing on the P. D. Q. Extension. 
Sho I'm going to have shel'bration. 

DiLLY (looking at him severely). It's my idea that 
you've been having your hair cut at the Temperance 
barber shop. You ain't riglit. 

Bird. Don't shay anything about it to Roshy Bella. 
'Cause Roshy Bella, she's my girl. Here's a dollar for 
you. (Gives her a dollar.) 

DiLLY. A dollar ! Smothering Seedcakes, this shore 
is my lucky day. 

Bird (puts arm around her roaist). I'm going to 
start in and have big shel'bration, DafFy-down-Dilly. 
Enter Rosa Bet.la from L. 

Rosa Bella. Dilly ! Mr. Bird ! I am surprised. 

Bird (stands on heels, looks at her, pauses, blinks). 
Roshy Bella, I am somewhat surprised myself. I was 
just giving Daffy-down-Dilly a little spiritual consola- 
tion. Go on, now, Dilly, and put it on the ice. That's 
a good little girl. 

Dilly. Yes, sir. That's just what I was going to 
do. (Exits L.) 

Rosa Bella (down L.). Barnaby Bird, all is over 
between us ! 



78 AN EARLY BIRD 



Bird (taking her hand.) Now, Roshy Bella. 

Rosa Bella {snatching her hand au^ay). Don't try 
to soft-soap me. You was flirting with the hired girl. 
I'm ashamed of you. 

Bird. No, Rosliy Bella, you wrong me. I was only 
shcl'brating, that's all. 

Rosa Bella. What was you celebrating.'' 

Bird. Big business deal I just pulled off this morn- 
ing. Oh, I'm a dabster hand at big business deals. 
Roshy Bella. I sold the River Road for over ten times 
its real value and I've got the North Road all ready 
to sell just as soon as Mrs. Van Dyne comes along. 

Rosa Bella. Who is Mrs. Van Dyne.'' 

Bird. She is a pretty little lady who works for tht 
P. D. Q. Railroad. She goes out and buys up the land 
for them wlien they want to make extensions. 

Rosa Bella. Is she a blonde.'' {Give accurate 
description of the actress playing the part of Jessa- 
mine.) 

Bird. Tliat's the little lady. I met her once when 
I went up to the city to call on the president of the 
road. 

Rosa Bella. If that's the lady, she's here now. 

Bird. Here.'' Here in Flagg Corners.'' 

Rosa Bella. Here in tliis house. She came thi'^ 
morning and was here for dinner. She said she wanted 
to see you on business about tlie North Road. 

Bird. Where is she? I've got everything all ready 
for her. Roshy Bella, here's where I make half a mil- 
lion dollars. 

Rosa Bella. I came in here after dinner and she 
was standing right there b}^ the table looking at them 
blue picture things. 



AN EARLY BIRD 79 

Bird. Looking at the blue prints? I ought to'vc 
put them in my room. 

Rosa Bella. Then she said slie wanted to see you 
on business about the road. 

Bird. Where is she now? 

Rosa Bella. Out in the yard. I'll find her for 
you. (Exit C. D.) 

Bird. Tliish is certainly my lucky day. First I sell 
the River Road and now I'm going to sell the Nortli 
Road. Barnaby Bird, you're a wise old bird all right, 
all right. 

DiLLY (heard outside L., screaming). Oh, Mr. Bird! 
Mr. Bird! Help, help! 

She enters from L., vainly trying to stop the efftr- 
vescing from an open bottle of champag7i,e. She runs 
wildly around the stage with her hand over the mouth 
of the bottle. Note: Have the druggist prepare the 
bottle with some fluid that will readily effervesce when 
the bottle is opened. 

Bird (running around after her). What'sh matter? 
DafFy, what'sh matter? 

DiLLY. Take it, take it. It's all running out. 
(Gives him ths bottle. He tries to stop the flow and 
finally puts it to his mouth and drinks.) Lawsy, they 
nuist a stuffed 'bout seven gallons in a one-quart bot- 
tle. I never seen such fizzin' in all my born days. I 
cut the string and the cork exploded right to the ceil- 
ing. Miz' Beavers thought she was shot and fell into 
the pan o' bread dough. I never see such carryin'-on 
in all my born days. 

Bird. That'sh all right, Dilly. It wasn't all wasted. 
Where'sh other bottle? 

Dilly. On the ice. 



80 AN EARLY BIRD 

Bird. Well, don't open it till I come. 

DiLLV. Open il? I wouldn't touch it with a ten-foot 
pole. It worse'n dynamite. And me the Secretary of 
the Young Ladies' Cold Water Society. (Exits L.) 

Enter Jessamine from C. D. 

Jessamine (coming down C. to Bird). INIr. Bird? 

Bird. Yes, ma'am, I'm ]Mr. Bird. I met you in the 
city last ]March, In Mr. Kilbuck's office. Don't you 
remember ? 

Jessamine (shaking hands with him). Of course I 
do. You wanted to see Mr. Kilbuck about some land 
you had, didn't you.^* 

Bird. Yes, and he referred me to you. He said you 
bought all the land for the company- 

Jessamine. I.'' 

Bird. Sure. He said you were quite capable in 
3^our way and that the whole transaction was in your 
hands. 

Jessamine. Did Mr. Kilbuck say that? 

Bird. Yes, ma'am, Mr. Kilbuck said that. 

Jessamine. Let me see, you own most of the prop- 
erty around here, don't you? 

Bird. I reckon I own the piece of property you're 
most interested in. 

Jessamine. The River Road? 

Bird. The Hirer Road? 

Jessamine. Yes, the strip of land running by the 
river. Tliat's the property I'm most interested in. 

Bird. Do you mean to tell me that tlie P. D. Q. 
extension is going to be built along the River Road? 

Jessamine. I said nothing about the P. D. Q. ex- 
tension, Mr. Bird. But the property I am interested 
in is the River Road. 



AN EARLY BIRD 81 

Bird (takes blue prints and looks at them). Are 
you sure jou ain't inakino- a mistake? Sure it ain't the 
North Road you want? 

Jessamine. The North Road? Certainly not. I 
don't care a rap for the North Road. 

Bird (tears blue print once across). I've been stung. 
I wish I had that young puppy here who sold me these 
blue prints. I'd pulverize him, I would. And I thought 
I had a dead sure thing. 

Jessamine. You own the River Road, don't you, 
Mr. Bird? 

Bird. Well, I did own tlie River Road, but the fact 
is I sold it this morning. 

Jessamine (rises). Very well. That's all. I must 
find the owner of the River Road. 

Bird. Can't I sell you the North Road? I'll sell it 
cheap. 

Jessamine. I'm not in the market for grazing land, 
Mr. Bird. By the way, who owns tlie River Road now? 

Bird. A young life insurance agent that's here. 
Stay, wait a minute! I'll see tliis young man and buy 
the River Road back again. " You don't care which of 
us sells it to 3^ou, do you? 

Jessamine. Not in the least. 

Bird. He said he wanted to set out some catalpa 
trees. Maybe I can swap him the North Road for the 
River Road. The catalpas would do just as good on 
the North Road. Now, Mrs. Van Dyne, you're sure 
it's the River Road you want, are you? 

Jessamine. IMrs. Van Dyne? 

Bird. Yes, I know you. You can't fool the wise old 
bird. I knowed you when I seen you in Mr. Kilbuck'f^ 
private office. 

Enter Tony, C. D. 



82 AN EARLY BIRD 



ToxY. ]\Ir. Bird! You're just the man I've been 
looking for. 

Bird. And you're just tlie man I've been looking 
for. 

ToxY. Do 3'ou want to sell me another strip of land? 

BiKD. Sure. How do you like the North Road.'' 

Tony (starts). The North Road.? 

Bird. It's just as good for catalpas as the River. 
Road. 

Tony. Do you want to sell the North Road.'' 

Bird. I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll make a clean 
cut trade. I'll give you the North Road clear across 
the county for the strip of River Road I sold you this 
morning. 

Tony (lools at Jessamine, xcho shakes her head, un- 
seen hy Bird). Well — er — {sees Jessamixe shaking 
her head). 1 don't think I'll make tlie trade. 

Bird. How much v. ill you take to boot.'' 

Tony. I don't know. ^Thinks.) That River Road 
property just about suits me. 

Bird, Say five hundred dollars to boot.'' 

Tony. Couldn't think of it 

Bird. Six hundred-height hundred^ — a thousand 
dollars .'' 

Tony. I don't know. (Looks at Jessamine, rcho 
nods her head.) Will you pay me a thousand dollars 
casli down ? 

Bird. I will. I'll write the check right here. (Goes 
to desk.) Wliat do you say.'' 

Tony. I'll do it. (Bird writes cheek. Tony shakes 
hands delightedl/j rath Jkssamine iinseen J)// Bird.) 

Bird. Now you just sign tins note of transfer riglit 
here. 

Tony. Right there. (Signs.) 



4 



AN EARLY BIRD 83 

Bird. Now the River Road belongs to me. 

Tony. And the North Rofui bch)ngs to me. 

Bird. We'd better go over to the County Land 
office and make the transfer. I want to have every- 
tliing done in a legal way. 

Tony. Are you sure I can raise catalpas on the 
North Road? 

Bird. You can raise anything you want. 

Tony. I think I'll raise the price. {To Jessamine.) 
Who says I'm not a regular business man ? 

Bird. The land office is right down town. Come on. 
{Exits CD.) 

Tony. Jessamine, you're a wonder! {Runs out 

'^ Enter Mrs. B. from L. 

IMrs. B. Excuse me, have you seen anything of my 
Rosa Bella? 

Jessamine. I think she's playing croquet out in 
front. 

jVIus. B. And the dressmaker waiting for her up- 
stairs. What with her and Dilly and Mr. Bird with 
liis bottles of loaded dynamite, I ain't got a whole nerve 
left in my body. {Calls.) Rosy Bella ! Rosy! {Exit 
C. D.) 

Jessamine {taking up the pieces of the blue print 
dropped by Bird). Poor old Mr. Bird. You've been 
a wise old owl, Mr. Bird, but at last we've caught you. 
A bird in the hand is worth a whole nest in the tree. 

Enter :Mrs. B., Rosa and Mrs. A. from C. D. 

Mrs. B. You just hurry upstairs. Rosy Belki. The 
dressmaker can't wait all day. And me with biscuits 
in the oven. {Exit L.) 

Rosa Bella. Did you see JNIr. Bird? 



k 



84 AN EARLY BIRD 

Jessamine. Oh, yes, thank you. I saw him and he 
was well worth seeing. 

Rosa Bella. Mr. Bird ain't what you might call a 
handsome man, but he's got more money than any man 
in Flagg County. And he's got real taking ways. 

Jessamine. Yes, that's one thing I noticed particu- 
larly, his taking ways. 

Rosa Bella. Excuse me. I've got to get fitted. 
(Exit L.) 

INIrs. a. Jessamine, what's all the excitement? Tony 
just interrupted our croquet game and took my hus- 
band away to be a witness. I hope he isn't going to 
do anything desperate. 

Jessamine. Oh, no ; not at all. He's only going to 
prove that he's a regular business man. 

Enter Dilly from L., iccnring hat and carrying 
bosket. 

DiLLT. Dozen and a lialf of eggs, can of baking 
powder, new mop, and fifteen cents worth of prunes. 

Jessamine. Where are you going, Dilly .^^ 

Dilly. Grocery. Dozen and half of eggs, can of 
prunes, new uiop and fifteen cents worth of baking 
powder. It's hard to remember all them things. 

Mrs. a. Do they have talcum powder at the gro- 
cery, Dilly.'' 

Dilly. Yes'ni, I think they do. Dozen and a half 
prunes, can of eggs, talcum powder and fifteen cents 
worth of mops. (Exit C. D.) 

Jessamine. Kit, I believe that everything is going 
to come out all right after all. Tony has bought the 
North fload. 

Enter Dilly from C. D. 

Dilly (calling). Miz' Beavers! ]Miz' Beavers! 



AN EARLY BIRD 85 

There's a great big 'leven thousand horse-power flivver 

stopping right out in front of our house. Miz' 

Beavers ! ,-, , t, ^ -r. ,. t- 

Knter Mrs. B. jrom L. 

Mrs. B. What is it, Dilly.? What's the matter.? 

DiLLY. It's the biggest automobile I ever seen in 
all my born days, that's what it is. And it's come to 
call on us. 

Mrs. B. More visitors! Who was in it, Dilly? 

DiLLY. A couple of men and a woman and a shover. 
The shover had a big mustache. And here they come. 

Enter from C. D., Kilbuck, Mr. M. and Mrs. V. 

Jessamine (down R. with Mrs. A.). Mr. Kilbuck! 
Tony was just in time. 

Kilbuck (coming dozen and taking both of Jessa- 
mine's hands.) Well, well, Pussy Willow, what are 
you doing here in Flagg Corners.'' 

Jessamine. Just a little business deal, Mr. Kilbuck, 
that's all. (Introducing.) This is Mrs. Perry Allen, 
Mr. Kilbuck. 

Kilbuck. Glad to meet you, ma'am. I know your 
husband. Jessamine, you know Mr. Mulberry and Mrs. 
Van Dyne. (Jessamine and ]\Irs. A. join jMr. M. and 
Mrs. V. up C.) This is Mrs. Beavers, I believe.? 

Mrs. B. (down L. C). Yes, sir. 

Kilbuck. We are looking for a Mr. Bird. I was 
told he stopped here. 

Mrs. B. Dilly, run down town and see if you can 
find Mr. Bird. 

Dilly. Yes, ma'am. That's just what I was going 
to do. 

Kilbuck. Tell him Cyrus B. Kilbuck wants to see 
him. The president of the P. D. Q. Railroad. 



86 AN EARLY BIRD 



DiLLY. Yes, ma'am. I mean, yes, sir. Mr. P. D. 
Q. Kilbuck wants to see him. 

KiLBucK. No ! C. B. Kilbuck wants to see him P. 
D. Q. Now, hurry ! 

DiLLY. Yes, ma'am. P. D. Q. {Exit C. D.) 

Mr. M. Perhaps we could wash up a bit. We had 
a long, dusty drive from town. 

Mrs. V. Thirty miles over a dirt road in July. 

Mrs. B. Come with me. I can fix you a place, but 
it will be extry. {Exit L.) 

Mrs. V. Any port in a storm. (Starts L.) Is this 
the way? 

Mrs. a. Come witli me. (Exits L. xcitli jNIrs. V., 
Mr. M. and Kilbuck.) 

Jessamine. Now to face the music. 

Enter Bird from C. D. 

Bird (comes merrily down C\). It's mine. The 
River Road belongs to me. Now, Mrs. Van Dyne, we 
can come to terms. 

Jessamine. Mrs. Van Dyne.^ Why do you call me 
Mrs. Van Dyne.'^ 

Bird. Because it's your name. You're the purchas- 
ing agent of the P. D. Q., ain't you.^ 

Jessamine. Why, Mr. Bird, I'm afraid you've made 
an awful mistake. My name is Jessamine Lee, and I'm 
not the purchasing agent of anything. 

Bird (splutters). But — but — you said you wanted 
the River Road. 

Jessamine. Oli, no. I merely said I was interested 
in the River Road. I was interested in it because it 
belonged to Mr. Tony Kilbuck. But now it belongs 
to you, and really, I've lost all interest. Just at pres- 
ent I'm interested in the North lioad. 



AN EARLY BIRD 87 

Bird. Then the railroad doesn't want to buy the 
River Road? 

Jessamine. I don't know. The president of the 
road Is here now with INIrs. Van Dyne. Perhaps they 
can cnhghten you. 

Enter Kilbuck from L. 

KiLBUCK. Mr. Bird! I'm glad to see you. {Shakes 
hands. ) 

Bird. I didn't look for you today, INIr. Kilbuck. 

Kilbuck. It's part of our business to spring a little 
surprise now and then. I want to sec your property, 
Mr. Bird. 

Bird. The River Road? 

KiiiBUCK. Certainly not. The Noi'th Road. That's 
where we want the right-of-way. 

Bird. The North Road? 

Kilbuck. Certainly. 

Bird {pauses, looks helplessly at Jessamine, shakes 
his fists). Buncoed, by thunder! 

Kilbuck. What do you mean? 

Bird. I mean I've been buncoed. But I'll have the 
law on 'em. 

Kilbuck. You mean that you no longer own the 
North Road? 

Bird. I'll get it back. They can't catch me with 
that bait. I'll have them arrested for obtaining prop- 
erty under false pretenses. 

Kilbuck. Whom are you talking about? Who's 
buncoed you? Who owns the North Road? 

Enter Tony from C. D. 

Tony. I'm the man you're looking for. I own the 
North Road. 



88 AN EARLY BIRD 

KiLBUCK. You!! TonjKilbuck! Well! {Sinks into 
chair.) 

Tony. Surprised, aren't you, father? I told you it 
was in me and it was bound to come out. jNlr. Bird, 
the wise old bird, has been trapped. The bird in the 
tree became the bird in the bush, and the bird in the 
bush calmly became the bird in the hand. Bird, you're 
a gone bird! 

Bird. I'll have the law on ye. I'll show ye. (Exit 
C. D. furiously.) 

Tony. And now, Mr. Kilbuck, we can talk busi- 
ness. The price of the North Road is half a million 
dollars. Are you on? 

Kilbuck. Half a million dollars? Preposterous. 
You talk like a child. 

Tony. Oh, no, I talk like a business man, a regular 
business man. The price sticks. Are you on? If not, 
I'm going to plant catalpas. 

Kilbuck. Half a million dollars! But we've got to 
liave the land. (Rises.) Tony, there's my hand! We'll 
buy the North Road. 

Tony. Then I won't have to plant catalpas? 

Kilbuck. No, we need you in our office. You said 
you'd make me eat my words done up in a hamburger 
sandwich. Jessamine, tell the landlady to bring on the 
hamburger. He's a regular business man at last. 

Tony (to Jessamine). And I owe it all to you. 
(Embrace.) 

Curtain. 



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